Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”