[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
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Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
D: Science project on chickens.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I’ve become a believer in letting the walls and furniture teach my kids that there is no running in the house.
I call it the School of Hard Knock Yo Selves Out.