Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
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[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold