@hipchkk

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

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@Jake_Vig

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

@aimlessamers

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

@Bizarro_Mark

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

@AlmightyBored

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

@RichBeingRich

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

@AngelaBishop

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

@PhilJamesson

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

@HomeWithPeanut

I’ve become a believer in letting the walls and furniture teach my kids that there is no running in the house.

I call it the School of Hard Knock Yo Selves Out.