Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
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Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’