@_TayTayJustine

Packing to move is the probably the worst game of Tetris I’ve ever played.

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@aksorojas

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

@ramblinma

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

@CruisinSoozan

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

@DamienFahey

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

@Tharin_P

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

@SwirlySkittles

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

@coolauntV

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

@vineyille

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

@UnFitz

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

@SufficientCharm

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.