My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Packing to move is the probably the worst game of Tetris I’ve ever played.
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*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That’s a pretty dubious clam
[Lizard Enterprises HQ]
Lizard Boss: Um excuse me, do you work here?
Snake balancing on 4 toothpicks (nervously): Uh yessir why do you ask?
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks