Packing to move is the probably the worst game of Tetris I’ve ever played.

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My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!


*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That’s a pretty dubious clam


[Lizard Enterprises HQ]
Lizard Boss: Um excuse me, do you work here?
Snake balancing on 4 toothpicks (nervously): Uh yessir why do you ask?


“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1


[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.


Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?


I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.


Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both


sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks