fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Packing to move is the probably the worst game of Tetris I’ve ever played.
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*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.