me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
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1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.