@huntigula

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

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@hippieswordfish

[day 38 on the ark]
NOAHS WIFE: we’re out of food
NOAH: don’t worry, i have a contingency plan
UNICORN: why are u lookin at me like that

@JJSummertime

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

@continentlbkfst

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

@TJ_TheMenace

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

@biebersmurf

My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.
Rather a few layers.

@MableGertrude

If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.

@brunopieroni

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

@neiltyson

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

@ladyfiredancer

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

@thatUPSdude

Turns out cops get really pissed if you slip out of your handcuffs even if you say “Ta-Da” when you do.