Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
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ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.