Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
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Plant care tips
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
This is a whole mood;
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details