My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
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Asterisks are awesome.
*tosses a midget dressed in sexy maid outfit off the Eiffel Tower with parachute made of pancakes*
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I’m at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.
Pomegranate is not a fruit, it is a task.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
*boss at staff meeting*
Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting?
Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.