@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

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@McFluffy537

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

@vinfury

Asterisks are awesome.

*tosses a midget dressed in sexy maid outfit off the Eiffel Tower with parachute made of pancakes*

@Six_Pack_Mom

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

@novicefather

I’m at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.

@BigJDubz

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

@astutenewf

*boss at staff meeting*

Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting?

Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.

@blade_funner

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

@lmegordon

My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.