me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
paddle faster i hear baby shark
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TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
Alcohol is claiming me as a dependent on his taxes this year.
computer: enter password
computer: password weak
all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying