@OrdinaryAlso

paddle faster i hear baby shark

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@TheHyyyype

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

@iGreenMonk

TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.

@FrogAvalanche

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

@MooseAllain

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

@BigJDubz

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

@PresTightrhymes

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

@rudy_mustang

computer: enter password

me: mypulloutgame

computer: password weak

all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying