[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
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My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I think we should hear other voices.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
saw this in a dream
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food