@KeetPotato

[paddling silently along the amazon in 2-man kayak taking in it’s beauty]
*from behind me*
you know they named this after a website

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@jackiembouvier

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

@iamspacegirl

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

@SarcasticSadOne

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

@PoliUncorrect

*Crime Scene

Cop: (cuffs the dog)

Detective: what the hell are you doing?

Cop: Sir, I think we’re dealing with a shapeshifter

@Gooooats

My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating.

@chuuew

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

@noog

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

@P1ssed_K1d

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

@Iwriteforcats

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!