So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
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Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo