Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
You Might Also Like
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
2019: I really want to be able to spend more time with my family.
2020: No. Not like that.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
If the shoe fits… congratulations.
You’ve correctly measured your feet.
I’m never more aware of the echo in a public restroom than when my kid yells out, “Hey Mom, are you pooping?”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.