Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

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His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.


stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?


2019: I really want to be able to spend more time with my family.
2020: No. Not like that.


*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*


ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea


[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.


If the shoe fits… congratulations.
You’ve correctly measured your feet.


I’m never more aware of the echo in a public restroom than when my kid yells out, “Hey Mom, are you pooping?”


A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.