Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
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5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.