A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
[dead at the bottom of the pool in a mermaid outfit]
him: *sadly* it was supposed to go over your legs
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
me: any clue how my house burned down
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
William Shakespeare’s rapper name would be Playbill Shakes
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.