@Kryzazy
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
@mommajessiec
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
@Grrdno
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
@osoplain
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
@six_2_and_even
No matter how hard I try, I never feel like I’ve shaken the bottle of Italian dressing quite enough
@EmSlyce
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
@FredTaming
[ DJ-ing ]
me: yeah i take requests
him: can u stop
@Kateness8
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
@MumInBits
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
@SnarkyMommy78
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!