@not_thenanny
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
@Divergentmama
Just when I thought my house couldnt smell any worse, my daughter has decided to have deviled eggs for lunch every day. Pray for us.
@justmiche74
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
@_troyjohnson
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
@bartandsoul
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
@Havish_AF
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
@ObscureGent
Willy Wonka is a Batman villain with good lawyers.
@spinubzilla
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
@spinubzilla
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
@surrealvehicle
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no