I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.


Me: it’s been a while since I did anything embarrassingly clumsy

Universe: give it time


It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.


If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.


Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet


A hostage exchange, except it’s me meeting with my ex to exchange cutlery that has changed houses via school lunches.


God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.


Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you


I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish


Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.