Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@sliver_of: When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

@UnFitz: 10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son ...

[to be continued]

@Darlainky: Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

@daddydoubts: Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

@GorillaNipples1: Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

@TheBoydP: Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

@mommajessiec: Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

@WhaJoTalkinBout: me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

@leakypod: [first day as a zoo tour guide]

kid: do giraffes eat clouds

me: yea i think so [sees coworker shaking head at me] they shake the rain out of them first tho