@BoogTweets: [first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

@TheToddWilliams: [puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

@turtlekiosk: guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

@minkpinkustink: why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

@Gupton68: when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

@AnnietheNanny1: Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

@Gupton68: [first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh... in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

@Number10cat: On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

@SoVeryBritish: Things that cause extreme panic:
- Accidentally liking a Tweet
- No milk
- Unknown numbers
- The question "you don't remember me do you?"
- Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
- “Tickets please”
- “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
- Doorbells

@crocodilethumbs: Don: You ask me this? On the day of my daughters wedding?

Me:

Don: No. A hot dog isn’t a sandwich.