@portmanteauface

“Don’t skip leg day” bro my home office is two flights of stairs away from the bathroom, every day is leg day and I’d kill a stranger to skip it just once

@ADHDeanASL

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

@Mark_Dubs

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

@mom_tho

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

@BigJDubz

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

@bylinetd

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

@colleen_eileen

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

@Not_Piecezilla

The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.