I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.


I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now


(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.


Why do I always find it necessary to announce “crap, I have the hiccups” like no one can hear the ridiculous noise my body is making?


I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you


Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”


sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school


* wants all the family space to herself

* grabs remote; selects a musical that is at least 40 years old

(Hmmmmm they haven’t left yet)

* belts out lyrics along with musical

* dances across rug

* relaxes onto recently-vacated couch


*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-



My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.