@portmanteauface
“Don’t skip leg day” bro my home office is two flights of stairs away from the bathroom, every day is leg day and I’d kill a stranger to skip it just once
@ADHDeanASL
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
@Mark_Dubs
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
@mom_tho
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
@BigJDubz
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
@bylinetd
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
@KateRobbins
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
@colleen_eileen
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
@Emotionalcheese
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
@Not_Piecezilla
The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.