@AndyJokedAgain

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

@DitzMcGeee

i’m shopping at a nutrition store that used to be a bar that i was lifetime banned from in ’92 and so far nobody recognizes me.

@TheAlexNevil

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

@dadmann_walking

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

@difficultpatty

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

@Burger_Time_

I’m pretty jealous that horses get to wear metal shoes and i’m stuck with these lousy shoes made out of horses

@Parkerlawyer

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

@ItalianBratikus

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

@Mamaoutoforder

We were out of toilet paper in the hall bathroom. I asked 4 to bring me some.

He brought about 10 sheets.

I told him, no, I need the entire roll.

He came back with an entire roll, completely unrolled.