@blade_funner

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

@mattewe02

me: this is bullshit you offered me over $400,000

boss: yeah I think we should go over what a 401k actually is

@maryfairybobrry

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

@80sjams

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

@perlhack

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

@lmegordon

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

@GrowlyGrego

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

@jellybnbonanza

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

@auty_schmotty

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.