@SladeWentworth

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

@Smooheed

Me: it’s been a while since I did anything embarrassingly clumsy

Universe: give it time

@sofarrsogud

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

@Shade510

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

@GroovyTasia

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

@DogGoing

A hostage exchange, except it’s me meeting with my ex to exchange cutlery that has changed houses via school lunches.

@professorkiosk

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

@awkwardenabled

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

@Mom_Overboard

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

@RickAaron

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.