A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.


Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…


[dead at the bottom of the pool in a mermaid outfit]

him: *sadly* it was supposed to go over your legs


[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house


[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*


me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*


moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the


me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does


the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day


William Shakespeare’s rapper name would be Playbill Shakes


8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.