@: i just overheard this little white girl in starbucks say “china has too many ppl anyways what’s so bad about coronavirus” and i WHIPPED my head just to see she is SITTING BEHIND AN ASIAN GUY WHO HEARD HER AND THEN TURNS AROUND AND COUGHS ON HER!! i swear her soul left her body

@parsfarce: [5 seconds left in the final quarter, down by one point, I call a time out, huddle my team into a tight circle, stare each of them in the eye]

I gotta go or I’m gonna miss my bus

@mister_blank: here's a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

@junejuly12: boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

@JohnLyonTweets: I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

@climaxximus: [first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

@ParasiteHilton: Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

@EmissaryKerry: You two just need to get out more.

- Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

@SugarMagicSpice: To whoever lost their iPhone 11 Pro outside Target 30 minutes ago, please stop calling my new phone.

@AmishPornStar1: Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?