@mostly_cheese
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
@SweatyGardener
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
@scot7a
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
@Marcmywords2
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
@Shade510
relationship status: I opened a bag of Simply Naked pita chips and they covered up.
@Lcars24
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
@TrophyWifeDayna
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
@sofarrsogud
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
@MetteAngerhofer
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
@pittdave13
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years