@AndyJokedAgain
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
@notalogin
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
@DitzMcGeee
i’m shopping at a nutrition store that used to be a bar that i was lifetime banned from in ’92 and so far nobody recognizes me.
@TheAlexNevil
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
@dadmann_walking
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
@difficultpatty
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
@Burger_Time_
I’m pretty jealous that horses get to wear metal shoes and i’m stuck with these lousy shoes made out of horses
@Parkerlawyer
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
@ItalianBratikus
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
@Mamaoutoforder
We were out of toilet paper in the hall bathroom. I asked 4 to bring me some.
He brought about 10 sheets.
I told him, no, I need the entire roll.
He came back with an entire roll, completely unrolled.