If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot


The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.


Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra


No matter how hard I try, I never feel like I’ve shaken the bottle of Italian dressing quite enough


Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed


If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died


My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes


4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!