@Home_Halfway

Two things Crate and Barrel doesn’t sell:

1) Crates

2) Barrels

@80sjams

*sells my soul to the devil*

The Devil: Can you break a $20?

@ellle_em

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

@TheHyyyype

[first date]

her: so what are you looking for?

me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp

@strangerbabble

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

@BerrymoreBlue

“Fix You” is my favorite song about luring someone home to cremate them.

@Chhapiness

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

@_SingleBabyMama

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

@MumInBits

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund