Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag



I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.


While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed


*Guy about to invent the television

Why don’t you stand in this box and entertain me


i overheard my uber driver and his wife being sad about having trouble having kids so i left my nephew in the car. i love doing gods work!🤍


[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.



12YO: so should i download it


When someone doesn’t answer your text it doesn’t mean they don’t like you anymore it means they want to kill you