@Kryzazy

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

@Grrdno

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

@osoplain

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

@six_2_and_even

No matter how hard I try, I never feel like I’ve shaken the bottle of Italian dressing quite enough

@EmSlyce

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

@Kateness8

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

@MumInBits

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

@SnarkyMommy78

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!