Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@fro_vo: Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole

@donni: The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

@PleaseBeGneiss: Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first :)

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

@UnFitz: Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

@MissHavisham: My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

@TheToddWilliams: WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don't think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

@Darlainky: I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

@Bandersnaaatch: You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

@cravin4: Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

@EndhooS: [Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park