9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
i’m shopping at a nutrition store that used to be a bar that i was lifetime banned from in ’92 and so far nobody recognizes me.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I’m pretty jealous that horses get to wear metal shoes and i’m stuck with these lousy shoes made out of horses
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
We were out of toilet paper in the hall bathroom. I asked 4 to bring me some.
He brought about 10 sheets.
I told him, no, I need the entire roll.
He came back with an entire roll, completely unrolled.