@ClassADude
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
@Mom_Overboard
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
@Marcmywords2
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
@fckboyseatpizza
Deleting dating apps cause I want to meet someone the old fashioned way: seeing him get hit by a train, sitting by his bedside while he’s in a coma, winning over his family, and telling him he has amnesia and we’ve been married the whole time when he wakes up.
@mommajessiec
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
@SudsBitches
I am confident that my dog would defend me with her life unless you decide to use a vacuum cleaner as a weapon.
@Casey
another refuel, at a gas station with a rather unfortunate name
@ben_rosen
@Browtweaten
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
@VisionBored1
my husband took away all the toys and screens from my sons for a week and all I want to know is what did I do to deserve this