@climaxximus: young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

@MNateShyamalan: Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

@brynnester: [Death Row]
Guard: Before we put you in the electric chair what would you like to eat for your last meal?
Me: The electric chair please
Guard: But...

@MomOnFire: Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

@TweetPotato314: her: well don't just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i'm pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

@BuckyIsotope: "Money doesn't grow on trees" is something rich people say so you won't find their money trees.

@caithuls: If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

@princesscryanna: Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

@L8yK8y: I love Pilates. At my age, you don't hear, "Lay down and put your legs in the straps" very often.

@trayofcheese: People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.