Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
*Guy about to invent the television
Why don’t you stand in this box and entertain me
i overheard my uber driver and his wife being sad about having trouble having kids so i left my nephew in the car. i love doing gods work!🤍
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO: so should i download it
When someone doesn’t answer your text it doesn’t mean they don’t like you anymore it means they want to kill you
*checks real estate listings on other planets*