You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…


Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?


You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.


Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.


[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”


I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms


*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.