@sliver_of: When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
@Darlainky: Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
@Pork_Chop_Hair: My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
@daddydoubts: Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
@GorillaNipples1: Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
@TheBoydP: Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
@mommajessiec: Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
@WhaJoTalkinBout: me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
@leakypod: [first day as a zoo tour guide]
kid: do giraffes eat clouds
me: yea i think so [sees coworker shaking head at me] they shake the rain out of them first tho