@not_thenanny

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

@Divergentmama

Just when I thought my house couldnt smell any worse, my daughter has decided to have deviled eggs for lunch every day. Pray for us.

@justmiche74

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

@_troyjohnson

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

@bartandsoul

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

@Havish_AF

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

@spinubzilla

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

@spinubzilla

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

@surrealvehicle

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no