I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Why do I always find it necessary to announce “crap, I have the hiccups” like no one can hear the ridiculous noise my body is making?
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
* wants all the family space to herself
* grabs remote; selects a musical that is at least 40 years old
(Hmmmmm they haven’t left yet)
* belts out lyrics along with musical
* dances across rug
* relaxes onto recently-vacated couch
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.