@TrueDee You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
@mommajessiec Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
@PleaseBeGneiss Computer: set password
Me: 2020
Computer: password is too long
@avengers_stan interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
@curlycomedy You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
@LorieGZ Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
@Fab_Mommy_ My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
@HenpeckedHal [on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
@Shenanigans_luv I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
@professorkiosk *ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
