“Don’t skip leg day” bro my home office is two flights of stairs away from the bathroom, every day is leg day and I’d kill a stranger to skip it just once


My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”


Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?


told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life


Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?


Lois: Are you crying?


My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.


My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband


The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.