Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.


deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)


If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.


Deleting dating apps cause I want to meet someone the old fashioned way: seeing him get hit by a train, sitting by his bedside while he’s in a coma, winning over his family, and telling him he has amnesia and we’ve been married the whole time when he wakes up.


I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.


I am confident that my dog would defend me with her life unless you decide to use a vacuum cleaner as a weapon.


another refuel, at a gas station with a rather unfortunate name


friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct


my husband took away all the toys and screens from my sons for a week and all I want to know is what did I do to deserve this