Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself


The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake


Autocorrect changed moth to math and now I have problems on my porch.


After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now


Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”


Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!



Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?


Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.


6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.


Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school


My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.