@Shade510: I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed...but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

@ankles_so_weak: papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

@jamdugg: I’m just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Who is changing into a werewolf. Now I’m standing in front of a werewolf.

@warmyellowlight: All generalizations are stupid.

@fro_vo: calf- calves
half - halves
self - selves
wolf - wolves
golf - golves

@callmeEvian: Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

@DeadLioness: Friend: "so how did you two meet?"
No Woman Ever: "he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since"

@RunOldMan: I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I'm a very loud laugher, it's a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

@joefrog1: Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

@Darlainky: These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.