@DadZZZasleep: daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

@tweetsbyrocket: me: hold me while i sleep

anaesthesiologist: no

@clichedout: [inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

@SortaBad: 2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

@UncleDuke1969: [tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

@daemonic3: [clothing store]

me: can you help estimate what size i am? my deceased wife used to buy all my shirts for me

employee: i recommend a medium

me: ok do you know any good ones?

@sah_nursemom: Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok... how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

@Playing_Dad: Me: What did you do today while I was at work?

Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.

Me: I think you're lying.

Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?

@thedadvocate01: What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

@Home_Halfway: [on horseback dressed as a knight]

ME: I wish to battle your King

CASHIER: Sir please get out of the drive-thru

ME: Tell that coward to come out and defend his throne

CASHIER: There is no actual Burger King

ME: Lies