Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@maxui: Please allow kids to believe in Santa.
You believe in Herballife and no one is ruining it for you.

@: Drinking the forbidden tea

@kellyoxford: Dropping 11yo off at school.

11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.

Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.

11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.

@erichwithach: A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

@onedogsopinion: Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

@coolauntV: interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

@mom_ontherocks: Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

@Gupton68: I now know that no matter how happy you are it's not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law's funeral taught me that.

@PinkCamoTO: My son doesn't always throw up, but when he does, he's already in bed.

@FredTaming: waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]