@Rollinintheseat Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
@Rollinintheseat 
@roxiqt Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
@MumInBits Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
@robin_991 hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
@envydatropic The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
@TheBoydP Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
@junejuly12 I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
@yashar Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
@Ilikerockme John Wick sounds like a mens toilet candle
@Parkerlawyer Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.