It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.


So you love him? Can you marry him tomorrow or do you both need a divorce first?


Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again


I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died


They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?


Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery: OR IS IT


*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.


The goal of a woman’s life is *not* to be a wife and mother. It’s to dramatically gatecrash a christening party swathed in a raven-black cloak and cackle, “I TOO HAVE A GIFT FOR THE PRINCESS!”


By far the best description I’ve seen of how mRNA vaccines work is that they tell your body to make up a guy and then to get really mad at that guy