@mumbletoes: [a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

@karanbirtinna: As a married man, it's hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

@andlikelaura: Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

@SlenderSherbet: When you're naked on the bed with the curtains open and the window cleaner comes.

@aissalanis: Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

@stephenjmolloy: Boss to staff: "What incentives would make you work harder?"

Staff member: "Bonus!"

Boss: "I'm not boning any of you."

@FredTaming: “Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

@: “Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

@FU_Dad: Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

@UncleDuke1969: [broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.