@emanbelanger: Jesus: *turns water into wine*
Me: [out of weed and handing Jesus a maple leaf] could you, you know..
@KalvinMacleod: JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
@DrakeGatsby: *prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
@ObscureGent: [Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
@FredTaming: me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
@AmishPornStar1: Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M's it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
@AngelaEhh: Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
@junejuly12: At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
@MavenofHonor: Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree