*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.


Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, maybe you’ll hit a billionaire’s rocket ship


Choose your own adventure books made me believe that making my own decisions was fun and adulthood has shown me I was dead wrong


murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me


Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.


Took the dog to doggy daycare and we had a long conversation about how some dogs actually miss their people. He ran off before I could finish but I’m sure he got the gist


Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?


Part of what made me laugh when I saw this is that the duck is so pleased with himself 😂😂😂😂


I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.