@HenpeckedHal

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

@GingerHotDish

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

@Talk_To_The_Hat

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

@Jandalize

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

@Cpin42

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

@DominicCaruso1

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

@ACartoonCat

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

@futwolfhardware

For such an advanced society, why are there no handrails anywhere in the Star Wars universe? 1000 feet in the air, on a 2 foot rail, and you’re just counting on good balance.

@blade_funner

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.