My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.


My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.


Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.


I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.


A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible


Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded


Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon


For such an advanced society, why are there no handrails anywhere in the Star Wars universe? 1000 feet in the air, on a 2 foot rail, and you’re just counting on good balance.


ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.