People say sharks swim amongst us all the time like that’s comforting. If velociraptors lurked around basketball courts and only attacked a few times a year I guarantee Will would have never been on that court, gotten into that fight, nor moved with his auntie & uncle in Bel Aire


Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker


The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.


I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.


After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.


My parents: If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump off too?

Me as a little kid wearing sunlasses: idk maybe who all is there


Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.


If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.


Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.