@kiarasworldd: Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
@ItsAndyRyan: Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
@HepatitisAtoZ: [hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: "dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-"
me: "royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles"
@SkinnerSteven: I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
@AnnietheNanny1: If I refer to myself as, "sauced up," it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
@LittleMissAngr1: Karen: I was so desperate for an answer i even consulted a magic 8-ball!
Me: Cocaine is never the answer, Karen
@coolauntV: interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well...that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
@TheOnion: Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
@MantisBlue: Some of y'all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.