Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”


Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing


hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?


The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.


Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare


I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.


Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.


Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.