Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@MantisBlue: Some of y'all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

@SugarMagicSpice: Last night the cashier at the liquor store asked if I needed help. I said probably, but I came here instead.

@Shenaniglenns: Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

@capnwatsisname: Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

@CrockettForReal: Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

@Piecezilla: Life is like a box of chocolates. It's making you fat and killing your dog.

@BlueOnBlack72: *First day in group therapy*

Counselor: Dave, do you have anything to share?

Me: *puts Doritos back under chair*

No, no I do not.

@Jamberee13: A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

@momTruthBomb: When you tell me to "Go outside and play" you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

- kids