Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@climaxximus: Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I'm sorry I called you fat.

@conner_omalley: under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”

@FU_TangClan: Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

@ewfeez: *on crowded bus*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
*everyone mumbles different things*
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
*everyone mumbles different days, times*

@SteveSuckington: You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

@AndyAsAdjective: JUMP

ING

UP

AND

DOWN

ON

THE

TRAMP

O

LINE

OUT

SIDE

YOUR

WIN

DOW

IS

NOT

HOW

I

WANT

ED

TO

BREAK

UP

WITH

YOU

KAR

EN

@theconradical: Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon

God: yo I gotchu

God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*

Me: wait no

@: Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon

God: yo I gotchu

God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*

Me: wait no

@brynnester: Can’t believe the Titanic was sunk by a lettuce

@AnniemuMary: To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.