@MantisBlue: Some of y'all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
@SugarMagicSpice: Last night the cashier at the liquor store asked if I needed help. I said probably, but I came here instead.
@Shenaniglenns: Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
@capnwatsisname: Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
@CrockettForReal: Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
@BlueOnBlack72: *First day in group therapy*
Counselor: Dave, do you have anything to share?
Me: *puts Doritos back under chair*
No, no I do not.
@momTruthBomb: When you tell me to "Go outside and play" you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?