Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@karanbirtinna: Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I've got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple "No" would have been sufficient.

@Eightinchgoat: Seattle outlawed plastic straws so now I’m snorting coke through a tampon cardboard applicator.

@squirrel74wkgn: Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware...

@TheGirlPie: My former lover describes his beloved: "She's amazing in a hundred different ways." My guy describes me: "Chatty."

@PinkCamoTO: *First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what's left of your hair.

@kibblesmith: Mickey Mouse's pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

@FU_TangClan: mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

@markedly: [a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

@davidmackau: the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

@16bitbulbasaur: wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup