“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again