A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast


Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.


The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”


I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!


Me: *handing out party poppers at the office holiday bash*
Coworker: these are tampons
Me: but if those are here, then that means…
My wife, at home: *screams*


17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.


when i was a kid i had this game called worm church where id bring worms to my room and read them the bible


Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.


When you saw only one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I was carried away by a giant eagle.