@PatsATweetin
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
@PatsATweetin
@SomeRandomBee
No, free hugs was yesterday, today we’re doing free headbutts
@noodlegrip
[before axes were invented]
Guy following a beaver: c’mon man, last time I promise
@anniealone23
Damnit. My roommate stole my cookie again. Oh well.. guess I’ll just have to go grab another..
*voice over* but she did not have a roommate
@Grommit56
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
@RevDaniel
Why are there so many books, movies and TV shows about clergy who solve mysteries?
I can’t even figure out which fuse box controls the church A/C that I’ve been told for 7yrs exists but which I’ve yet to feel.
And where do they fit in writing sermons between all the murders?
@MumInBits
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
@HousewifePlus
My tween has this super cute new habit of starting every sentence with “you do realize that…” and anyway, I’m selling his PS4 for ten cents. Who wants it?
@urmumsausername
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
@tyrannees
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?