@hero_ofthenight

When the KFC chicken grease starts haunting your arteries its called Poultry Geist.

@KWalps

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

@TheNYAMProject

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

@ChicksRule

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

@JustMeTurtle

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

@existentialcoms

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

@ArfMeasures

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

@SvnSxty

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly