Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@ShellHasDragons: Them: do something every day that scares you
Me: *steps in a hole filled with spiders
Me: *just screaming

@AimeeHelene1: Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that...was me.

@ArfMeasures: Wife: omg it's happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you're not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

@BunAndLeggings: Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don't want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

@alexlumaga: Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what's the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We're gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

@3sunzzz: H: I'm going to the store.

M: Why don't you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don't say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

@fro_vo: MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone's doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

@TheOnion: Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

@AimeeHelene1: Me: Well...my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don't see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

@PinkCamoTO: Without background music, it's really hard to know which emotions I'm supposed to be faking.