@insanelynormal1: Don’t allow people to drive you crazy if there is a liquor store in walking distance.
@sophielou: [Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
@heyitsJudeD: Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we'll let the judge decide, eh?
@andlikelaura: [harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
@Otter_News: No matter what kind of calculator steve is using, he will always hit "clear" multiple times. This is because Steve is a professional.
@clichedout: HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I've been to the Grand Canyon
@PleaseBeGneiss: Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
@BoogTweets: After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
@Fab_Mommy_: Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.