@tomwalkerisgood
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
@tomwalkerisgood
@Wine_honey1
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
@2free2stylr
I always appreciate when someone leaves me a voice mail. It let’s me know they don’t need my attention until the next time I’m bored enough to empty out my voice mail folder.
@ThatFellaKev
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
@shopkins776
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
@notmythirdrodeo
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
@3sunzzz
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
@bigpoppadrunk
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
@roxiqt
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
@VisionBored1
no one talks about how difficult it is to name your baby when you’re a teacher