Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@junejuly12: Be the reason she can't walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

@squirrel74wkgn: Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

@_steamy_mac: Those aren't chest pains, that's just what being an adult feels like.

@andlikelaura: cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

@Shen_the_Bird: guy: man it's raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say "it's raining cats and dogs": oh it's not nearly that much

@chuuew: [stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn't say the lottery win changed me

@KaylaAncrum: I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

@wildethingy: There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.