Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@insanelynormal1: Don’t allow people to drive you crazy if there is a liquor store in walking distance.

@sophielou: [Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

@heyitsJudeD: Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we'll let the judge decide, eh?

@andlikelaura: [harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

@Otter_News: No matter what kind of calculator steve is using, he will always hit "clear" multiple times. This is because Steve is a professional.

@LadyM_07: Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

@clichedout: HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I've been to the Grand Canyon

@PleaseBeGneiss: Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

@BoogTweets: After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves

@Fab_Mommy_: Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.