Them: why do you add unnecessary adjectives all the time

Me: what do you mean, human friend


Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.


Hey, John Wick, I heard the coronavirus saying bad things about your dog


Me: School is closed today.

Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?

Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day

Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*


I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.


Nelly: it’s getting hot in here

me: no it’s not

Nelly: [taking off all his clothes] it is

me: you have a fever


If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.


I’ll be honest, it scares the crap out of me that you guys will be homeschooling your kids.


Has anyone ever pissed you off so much that you just want to strangle them but then you realize you were overreacting so you calm down after 2 or 3 decades