I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I always appreciate when someone leaves me a voice mail. It let’s me know they don’t need my attention until the next time I’m bored enough to empty out my voice mail folder.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
no one talks about how difficult it is to name your baby when you’re a teacher