Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Samiam556: I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer...
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

@UnFitz: “I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

@Darlainky: Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

@jamdugg: *first date*

Her: I like bad boys

Me: Could you hang on a minute?

*Returns 20 minutes later just soaked in blood*

Me: Go on...

@daddydoubts: Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

@FU_Dad: Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

@rebrafsim: Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

@meghaffer: Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

@sonictyrant: Me: do you wanna play peaches?

Wife: *sigh* no

Me: *leaping from a tree top* I'm ripe!

Wife: 911? Yep, peaches again

@TheCatWhisprer: COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i'm on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I'LL JUST HAVE THREE