@: My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

@JeffMyspace: Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

@SentenceReduced: [a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

@PhriendlyCody: skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

@Marlebean: Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

@justsomegirl81: I think I’ll start posting my tweets on Facebook so my friends and family will all finally block me.

@Cryptic1iam: People say, “All the good ones are taken.”
Which is absolutely true.
I’m single.

@panmidwest: [interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

@seancehat: [first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

@Skoog: [sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna...?

uber driver: no