@prufrockluvsong Them: why do you add unnecessary adjectives all the time
Me: what do you mean, human friend
@prufrockluvsong 
@AmishPornStar1 Are people in Canada allowed to go oat and aboat yet?
@LostFelicia Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
@BigJDubz Hey, John Wick, I heard the coronavirus saying bad things about your dog
@justokpanda Me: School is closed today.
Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?
Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day
Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*
@anerdonfire2 I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
@pilau Nelly: it’s getting hot in here
me: no it’s not
Nelly: [taking off all his clothes] it is
me: you have a fever
@HatfieldAnne If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.
@mamba_bad I’ll be honest, it scares the crap out of me that you guys will be homeschooling your kids.
@Peauxtassium Has anyone ever pissed you off so much that you just want to strangle them but then you realize you were overreacting so you calm down after 2 or 3 decades