@tomwalkerisgood

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

@Wine_honey1

When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.

I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.

@2free2stylr

I always appreciate when someone leaves me a voice mail. It let’s me know they don’t need my attention until the next time I’m bored enough to empty out my voice mail folder.

@shopkins776

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

@notmythirdrodeo

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

@3sunzzz

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

@bigpoppadrunk

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

@roxiqt

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

@VisionBored1

no one talks about how difficult it is to name your baby when you’re a teacher