@PatsATweetin

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

@noodlegrip

[before axes were invented]

Guy following a beaver: c’mon man, last time I promise

@anniealone23

Damnit. My roommate stole my cookie again. Oh well.. guess I’ll just have to go grab another..
*voice over* but she did not have a roommate

@Grommit56

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

@RevDaniel

Why are there so many books, movies and TV shows about clergy who solve mysteries?

I can’t even figure out which fuse box controls the church A/C that I’ve been told for 7yrs exists but which I’ve yet to feel.

And where do they fit in writing sermons between all the murders?

@MumInBits

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

@HousewifePlus

My tween has this super cute new habit of starting every sentence with “you do realize that…” and anyway, I’m selling his PS4 for ten cents. Who wants it?

@urmumsausername

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

@tyrannees

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?