@prufrockluvsong

Them: why do you add unnecessary adjectives all the time

Me: what do you mean, human friend

@LostFelicia

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

@BigJDubz

Hey, John Wick, I heard the coronavirus saying bad things about your dog

@justokpanda

Me: School is closed today.

Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?

Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day

Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*

@anerdonfire2

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

@pilau

Nelly: it’s getting hot in here

me: no it’s not

Nelly: [taking off all his clothes] it is

me: you have a fever

@HatfieldAnne

If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.

@mamba_bad

I’ll be honest, it scares the crap out of me that you guys will be homeschooling your kids.

@Peauxtassium

Has anyone ever pissed you off so much that you just want to strangle them but then you realize you were overreacting so you calm down after 2 or 3 decades