When the KFC chicken grease starts haunting your arteries its called Poultry Geist.


Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer


Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.


Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol


My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.


The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”


Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire


Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly