The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
3yo: I need to pee!
Me: Well, go then!
3yo: *goes toward bathroom, but stops halfway* I can’t hold it!
Me: Then go!
3yo: *goes in bathroom, comes right back out with pants around ankle* I’m not going to make it!
Calling it Quarantine:
Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
lancelot: we have to work together arthur
lancelot: yes I am
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.