@: My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
@JeffMyspace: Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
@SentenceReduced: [a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
@PhriendlyCody: skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
@Marlebean: Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
@justsomegirl81: I think I’ll start posting my tweets on Facebook so my friends and family will all finally block me.
@Cryptic1iam: People say, “All the good ones are taken.”
Which is absolutely true.
@panmidwest: [interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
@seancehat: [first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
@Skoog: [sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna...?
uber driver: no