Them: why do you add unnecessary adjectives all the time
Me: what do you mean, human friend
Are people in Canada allowed to go oat and aboat yet?
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Hey, John Wick, I heard the coronavirus saying bad things about your dog
Me: School is closed today.
Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?
Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day
Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Nelly: it’s getting hot in here
me: no it’s not
Nelly: [taking off all his clothes] it is
me: you have a fever
If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.
I’ll be honest, it scares the crap out of me that you guys will be homeschooling your kids.
Has anyone ever pissed you off so much that you just want to strangle them but then you realize you were overreacting so you calm down after 2 or 3 decades