@Darlainky

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

@dadthatwrites

3yo: I need to pee!

Me: Well, go then!

3yo: *goes toward bathroom, but stops halfway* I can’t hold it!

Me: Then go!

3yo: *goes in bathroom, comes right back out with pants around ankle* I’m not going to make it!

@LoSucks

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

@HomeWithPeanut

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

@skwint1

lancelot: we have to work together arthur

arthur: unite

lancelot: yes I am

@skittle624

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

@HomeWithPeanut

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

@MNateShyamalan

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

@TheNYAMProject

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

@PaigeKellerman

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.