my mother was an avid collector of porcelain dolls and that’s all you really need to know


Why does TJ Maxx have more than one World’s Best Mom mug for sale?


How do you stay married and share a bathroom? More importantly how do I avoid going to jail?


My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.


When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020


Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!


Pulling my pants back up and breaking into a run as I yell over my shoulder at the swarming security guards, “CLEARLY I HAVE BEEN GROSSLY MISINFORMED ABOUT THE PURPOSE OF A CRAPS TABLE”


Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.


I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.