@Samiam556: I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer...
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
@Darlainky: Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
@jamdugg: *first date*
Her: I like bad boys
Me: Could you hang on a minute?
*Returns 20 minutes later just soaked in blood*
Me: Go on...
@daddydoubts: Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
@FU_Dad: Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
@rebrafsim: Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
@meghaffer: Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
@sonictyrant: Me: do you wanna play peaches?
Wife: *sigh* no
Me: *leaping from a tree top* I'm ripe!
Wife: 911? Yep, peaches again
@TheCatWhisprer: COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i'm on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I'LL JUST HAVE THREE