cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
“Oh, sure, everybody thinks werewolves are so cool, but tell them you’re a werecorgi and they just laugh and laugh…”
To determine how deep a well is, follow these steps:
1) drop a stone
2) count seconds until you hear it splosh
3) remember that math isn’t your strong point
4) make up a number and say it with authority
5) admit nothing
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
“That’s so cool,” she lied.