@DearAuntAbby

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

@MooseAllain

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

@writeden

Accidentally called them endolphins instead of endorphins and I just. Can’t help but picture tiny little dolphins jumping and doing tricks in our brains to make us happy

@StephenPunwasi

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

@Mormonger

When choosing baby names, we made the mistake of asking family for advice. I really liked the name “Damien” for a boy, but my mom thought it sounded too much like “Demon.” Lucky for Mom, we’re having a girl. Her name is Lucy… Short for Lucifer.

@jellybnbonanza

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

@The_Albinoshrek

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

@jon_snow_420

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

@OrdinaryAlso

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

@notmythirdrodeo

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.