If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.


The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.


My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal


So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.


My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough


I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.


You know what makes this pineapple on my pizza taste even better?
– Your disapproval


My wife’s knees are always bruised so our friends think we have a lot of sex, but I’m really just in love with a tripper


we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”