@ThugRaccoons Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
@okimstillhungry Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
@simoncholland The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
@caithuls I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
@veganbruxa cats be like I know a spot then sit on your throat
@5ive_zw sibling relationships are wierd.i can give you my kidney but im not getting you a glass of water.
@desukidesu judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yeah
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
@SkippyMcGizzard If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
@bgdadyspnkbtm My goal of having sex in 2020 isn’t looking good.
2021 isn’t looking good either.
@ICantEven001 Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!