One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.


The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.


anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench


Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.


Just answered the door in my underpants. I said “Blimey, a talking door. What are you doing in my underpants?”


Thank you dry toothbrush for outing my kids whenever I ask them if they brushed their teeth. You’re the real MVP.


Me: I feel like I look cute today.

Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.


Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?


when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born


Kids today will tell their kids how they had to walk up the stairs at home both ways to get to school