My only defense against my wife when she calls me a nerd is that at least I didn’t marry a nerd


Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.


Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot


Batman: you absolute fool


Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.


Who called it “storm anxiety” and not “thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening”?


My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”


Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.


Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too


[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.