@aotakeo

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

@krisv_723

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

@TheRealPalMal

[Walking into a Mayo Clinic with a Club Sandwich]

Me: This is not what I expected.

@jennlouiseloves

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

@rubyetc

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

@DrakeGatsby

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

@SvnSxty

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

@HomeWithPeanut

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.