My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.


Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO


college students be like “what show should i watch i’m bored” baby ur recorded lectures they waiting for u 😹😹😹😹😹


“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.


Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.


I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter


Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective


Me: I slay werewolves for a living.

Date: Haha, always joking around. Anyway, I read that tweet you sent to me, it was so funny, I howled!

Me: *Unsheathing silver cutlass* You What??


“Holy shit, this is hot” – a mosquito watching someone drink a Capri Sun