I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.


acknowledging public holidays in 2020 like well well well, we get to stay EXTRA home today, woo


Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”


customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college


I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.



5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?


HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun


wife: our beautiful baby girl

me: she’s got your eyes

wife: and your nose

Gimili: and my axe


Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”

All of us: “That’s actually worse.”