@MirrorAdvice

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

@VikingBut

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

@Wordesse

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.

@perlhack

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

@Wordesse

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

@donni

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

@sonictyrant

me: *cracks knuckles*

boss: why do you do that?

me: i do it when i’m nervous

boss: fine *rubbing hands* but use your own

@2free2stylr

I’ll always treasure my high school yearbook as a handy list of people to never see again