Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.


priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that


The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.


Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.


If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.


I wanna see the where are they now episodes of all the women on these christmas movies that threw away their multi-million dollar jobs to fall in love with the poor tree farmer
Bet there’s regrets


Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.


Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.


What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.



My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast