Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.

Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.


When I treat people the way I want to be treated, they freak out when I start brushing their hair.


somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once


[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come


Remember Wall-E? The movie where unhealthy people looked at iPads all day, never got any sun, didn’t exercise and ate processed food all day? haha crazy right…


Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.


My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.


My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer