@Ygrene

My only defense against my wife when she calls me a nerd is that at least I didn’t marry a nerd

@MamaNeedsACoke

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

@LloBrow

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

@OMGSoOverIt

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

@rsf788

Who called it “storm anxiety” and not “thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening”?

@Marlebean

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

@RodLacroix

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

@MumInBits

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

@XplodingUnicorn

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.