Funny Tweeter

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@TrevorWoggon: casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

@SueChainzz: I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one's Bret

@Impetermoran: Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

@SexyInsomniac: Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

@SexyInsomniac: The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don't talk PERIOD.

@MariyaAlexander: Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

@WhatsAGreenhorn: Me: I've been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don't think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you'd have to cut it off

@IndecisiveJones: Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup...
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t...
Her: Don’t do it...
Me: Fired from a...
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole...
Her: I hate you

@JeffMyspace: Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!