@batkaren
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
@topaz_kell
When I treat people the way I want to be treated, they freak out when I start brushing their hair.
@perlhack
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
@Skoog
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
@lawrencekingyo
Remember Wall-E? The movie where unhealthy people looked at iPads all day, never got any sun, didn’t exercise and ate processed food all day? haha crazy right…
@deloisivete
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
@NotThatNixon
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
@MidlifeOpportu1
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
@LoveNLunchmeat
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
@iheartguitar
It do be feeling this way.
