You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Is anyone gonna tell them?
me: *cracks knuckles*
boss: why do you do that?
me: i do it when i’m nervous
boss: fine *rubbing hands* but use your own
I’ll always treasure my high school yearbook as a handy list of people to never see again