You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.


Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold


On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.


my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting


Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.



Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.


The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off


me: *cracks knuckles*

boss: why do you do that?

me: i do it when i’m nervous

boss: fine *rubbing hands* but use your own


I’ll always treasure my high school yearbook as a handy list of people to never see again