@notmythirdrodeo

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

@JuiceboxCA

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

@ssawsannnn

college students be like “what show should i watch i’m bored” baby ur recorded lectures they waiting for u 😹😹😹😹😹

@SkippyMcGizzard

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

@SkippyMcGizzard

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

@seamussaid

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

@perlhack

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

@Alex_Houseof308

Me: I slay werewolves for a living.

Date: Haha, always joking around. Anyway, I read that tweet you sent to me, it was so funny, I howled!

Me: *Unsheathing silver cutlass* You What??

@chadopitz

“Holy shit, this is hot” – a mosquito watching someone drink a Capri Sun