@supermarkusa

I was just at a restaurant and they yelled out order 867 so I yelled out 5309 and absolutely nobody laughed, how does nobody find this funny?

@mistakeswasmade

professsor x: what’s your superpower

me: solving for variables

professor 17: oh wow

@YuckyTom

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

@FredTaming

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

@jazz_inmypants

person 1: use a parachute when you go skydiving

person 2: don’t tell me what to do

[later]

person 2: *dies skydiving*

person 1: I hate to say it but—

person 3: *pushing people out of a plane* DON’T MAKE HIS DEATH ABOUT A STUPID PARACHUTE

@queenjoheen

I hate that theres no way to know if you’re on track or not for your annual consumption of 8 spiders

@tweetsvisual

What I texted:
No one like you.

What I meant to text:
No one likes you.

@TattleTSister

The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.

@GroovyTasia

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap