Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@ArfMeasures: Me: What's wrong?
Wifi: You're obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you've spelled wife

@eff_yeah_steph: Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

@ryanaboyd: Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

@dorsalstream: ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

@NewDadNotes: Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

@DadandBuried: Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

@LindaSuePark: Dear makers of women's clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

@: Dear makers of women's clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

@PresTightrhymes: Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

@Cycloptomese: Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why'd you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!