@supermarkusa
I was just at a restaurant and they yelled out order 867 so I yelled out 5309 and absolutely nobody laughed, how does nobody find this funny?
@mistakeswasmade
professsor x: what’s your superpower
me: solving for variables
professor 17: oh wow
@YuckyTom
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
@FredTaming
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
@jazz_inmypants
person 1: use a parachute when you go skydiving
person 2: don’t tell me what to do
[later]
person 2: *dies skydiving*
person 1: I hate to say it but—
person 3: *pushing people out of a plane* DON’T MAKE HIS DEATH ABOUT A STUPID PARACHUTE
@queenjoheen
I hate that theres no way to know if you’re on track or not for your annual consumption of 8 spiders
@tweetsvisual
What I texted:
No one like you.What I meant to text:
No one likes you.
@Unavaillableee
Introverts preparing to say “here” during attendance
@TattleTSister
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
@GroovyTasia
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap