@notmythirdrodeo
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
@JuiceboxCA
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
@ADHDeanASL
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
@ssawsannnn
college students be like “what show should i watch i’m bored” baby ur recorded lectures they waiting for u 😹😹😹😹😹
@SkippyMcGizzard
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
@SkippyMcGizzard
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
@seamussaid
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
@perlhack
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
@Alex_Houseof308
Me: I slay werewolves for a living.
Date: Haha, always joking around. Anyway, I read that tweet you sent to me, it was so funny, I howled!
Me: *Unsheathing silver cutlass* You What??
@chadopitz
“Holy shit, this is hot” – a mosquito watching someone drink a Capri Sun