@batkaren

Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.

Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.

@topaz_kell

When I treat people the way I want to be treated, they freak out when I start brushing their hair.

@perlhack

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

@Skoog

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

@lawrencekingyo

Remember Wall-E? The movie where unhealthy people looked at iPads all day, never got any sun, didn’t exercise and ate processed food all day? haha crazy right…

@NotThatNixon

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

@MidlifeOpportu1

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

@LoveNLunchmeat

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer