@ThugRaccoons: [Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
@97Vercetti: whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
@MrAlexisPereira: Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
@dmc1138: If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I'd go to church more often.
@TheWidowmakerX: I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn't bring you joy.
So far, I've thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
@Manda_like_wine: My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? "Oh. My. God. It's Spider Jesus."
@professorkiosk: Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
@gregreckons: Personal trainer: You've gotta want it more than you want those donuts!
Me: *stops mid rep* Wait. What?
@freudianscript: My therapist told me I can ask him anything I want. So I asked him, 'How does my lack of progress make you feel?'