I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Accidentally called them endolphins instead of endorphins and I just. Can’t help but picture tiny little dolphins jumping and doing tricks in our brains to make us happy
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
When choosing baby names, we made the mistake of asking family for advice. I really liked the name “Damien” for a boy, but my mom thought it sounded too much like “Demon.” Lucky for Mom, we’re having a girl. Her name is Lucy… Short for Lucifer.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.