Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@Billie_Jean00: The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald's eating hotcakes and sausage.

@LostFelicia: [at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She's just a girl and she's on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she's got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

@mommajessiec: Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

@HenpeckedHal: My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life." Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

@jukeboxsauce: My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

@ItsAndyRyan: Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it's 'not a real currency'

@squirrel74wkgn: Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all...perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

@YourMomsucksTho: I might be a 42 year old woman but i identify as a really angry 97yr old man who tries to hit people with his cane just for saying hi.

@UncleDuke1969: Huh... I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.