@SkippyMcGizzard

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

@BeTheCookie

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

@drayzze

*breathes* – gets heartburn

*drinks some water* – gets heartburn

*has sex* – gets heartburn

*makes a joke* – gets heartburn

@Ygrene

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

@Insomnia_Land

Me: *throws myself at my husband* Give me all the kisses!

Him: Oh God! Are.. Are you dying??

@DaddyJew

“Do you remember that time we-“

Let me stop you right there, no.

@fightgeek

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

@iGreenGod

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

@JodingersCat

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons