cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*


When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.


my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.


[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?

Soft towels?

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.


FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die


“Oh, sure, everybody thinks werewolves are so cool, but tell them you’re a werecorgi and they just laugh and laugh…”


To determine how deep a well is, follow these steps:

1) drop a stone

2) count seconds until you hear it splosh

3) remember that math isn’t your strong point

4) make up a number and say it with authority

5) admit nothing


me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳


My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]