Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@thenatewolf: Me: I wonder how a bill becomes a law?

*music plays and the shit on my desk starts singing*

Me: no stop I already looked it up on my phone

@TheTweetOfGod: Never throw somebody under the bus unless you're sure it's moving.

@ColtonCarlyle: My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

@NrouteHQ: *downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

@KielyHealey: Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

@16bitbulbasaur: cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don't wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

@distracted_monk: Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

@ItsSamG: Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.