Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.


When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”


Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?


7: Can I mail myself to Mexico?



M: I’ll order packing peanuts tomorrow.


I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks


As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?


Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit


Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror


what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?