Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so


Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”


The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.


I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call


sibling relationships are wierd.i can give you my kidney but im not getting you a glass of water.


judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yeah

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare


My goal of having sex in 2020 isn’t looking good.

2021 isn’t looking good either.


Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!