@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

@okimstillhungry

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

@simoncholland

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

@caithuls

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

@5ive_zw

sibling relationships are wierd.i can give you my kidney but im not getting you a glass of water.

@desukidesu

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yeah

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

@bgdadyspnkbtm

My goal of having sex in 2020 isn’t looking good.

2021 isn’t looking good either.

@ICantEven001

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!