@CAshmanActor

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

@OMGSoOverIt

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

@OrdinaryAlso

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

@graceupongracie

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

@ummcherish

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

@Writepop

“Oh, sure, everybody thinks werewolves are so cool, but tell them you’re a werecorgi and they just laugh and laugh…”

@hermanntrude

To determine how deep a well is, follow these steps:

1) drop a stone

2) count seconds until you hear it splosh

3) remember that math isn’t your strong point

4) make up a number and say it with authority

5) admit nothing

@English_Channel

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

@RodLacroix

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]