@Lisabug74

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

@itsallbollocks

acknowledging public holidays in 2020 like well well well, we get to stay EXTRA home today, woo

@Lhlodder

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

@seancehat

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

@smerobin

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

@mostly_cheese

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

@pilau

wife: our beautiful baby girl

me: she’s got your eyes

wife: and your nose

Gimili: and my axe

@dmc1138

Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”

All of us: “That’s actually worse.”