yesterday i gave my dog a middle part. have not read one single word of a book


why is it that whenever i sit alone in my dark room for days at a time consuming ungodly amounts of food without any social interaction im “depressed” and “need to see a therapist” but whenever other people do it they’re “quarantining”


The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to go take a shower.


me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time


I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don’t know whose side I’m on.


Facebook post : only a heartless person could scroll pa

Me: *Scrolls Past *


have all the brands stopped pretending they’re people? It’s safe to assume Hot Pockets isn’t going to announce it has covid19 tomorrow?


son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace