@SkippyMcGizzard
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
@SkippyMcGizzard
@JannaKillHimNik
What I said: let’s cuddle
What my toddler heard: let’s practice karate moves on moms gut
@seancehat
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
@mrjohndarby
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
@SSparklesDaily
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
@jlock17
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
@ThisOneSayz
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
@UncleDuke1969
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
@KylePlantEmoji
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
@RickAaron
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.