@DadandBuried: Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
@LindaSuePark: Dear makers of women's clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
@: Dear makers of women's clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
@PresTightrhymes: Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
@Cycloptomese: Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why'd you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
@RedRegenerated: ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But...but he hasn't been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
@ArfMeasures: Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
@WhaJoTalkinBout: customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
@BunAndLeggings: Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we've thought about having less.
@Book_Krazy: [Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.