@DothTheDoth

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

@kieransofar

me: what’s todays criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

@WeedlordKrillin

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D

ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

@skedaddle74

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

@zachreinert0

In high school I was voted class clown because I dragged like three kids into the sewer

@Skoog

shaggy: i can’t believe we ate all the chocolate scoob

scooby:

shaggy: scoob?

@ThisLocalHater

Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you still being hunted for sport?

@notmythirdrodeo

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

@nutsaremixed

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning