@NewDadNotes: Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

@TheToddWilliams: [schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That's a hopscotch game

@karanbirtinna: Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I'll go to Thailand.

@fro_vo: MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

@DadZZZasleep: wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

@SaltyCorpse: My daughter's school is selling apples for their band.

If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I'll go to Whole Foods.

@arwenlothbrok: Me socialising: terrible.

Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.

@VerbsRProudest: Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

@LittleMissAngr1: Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants?

Me: Trying to summon my period.

@pittdave13: The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six