@stewiecoffee
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
@stewiecoffee
@mommajessiec
Him: I’m so glad your mine.
Me: *eyes fill with tears* It’s you’re.
@Jake_Vig
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
@itmegreggy
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
@ThugRaccoons
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
@itsmebeegee07
Please teach your children how babies come out of the womb.
Otherwise, your kid is going to convince my kid that they were pooped out
@LouGarza86
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
@AndyJokedAgain
Anyone who can spell ‘gonorrhea’ on the first try has probably had it several times
@TheHyyyype
[getting high]
me: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
friend: wait, u mean-
me: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
@chuuew
THERAPIST: You need to focus on what’s important to you
[later]
ME: TWO scoops of ice cream please