9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.


Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!


My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.


assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone


Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone


[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme


Oh I’m definitely a cat person

*lays on the couch and glares at you until you feed me


birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once