@SkippyMcGizzard

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

@JannaKillHimNik

What I said: let’s cuddle

What my toddler heard: let’s practice karate moves on moms gut

@seancehat

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

@mrjohndarby

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

@jlock17

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

@ThisOneSayz

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

@UncleDuke1969

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

@RickAaron

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.