@Havish_AF: Do your friends know that you're asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

@JeffisTallguy: Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

@XplodingUnicorn: Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

@gabbybendel: i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

@brynnester: Me: Have you heard about Stockholm Syndrome? Where the captor and the captive become BFF’s?

Kidnapper: You’ve been here 10 minutes?

Me: It stands for Best Friends Forever if you’re wondering

@Henry_3000: Safety first, so remember when you tell some people "go set the world on fire" you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

@leakypod: mugger: [points gun] gimme ur cash

me: what are u 70 years old lol

mugger: wait-

me: let me reach into my trousers and grab my “paper money” lmao

mugger: [tearing up] please stop

@JediGigi: My cat's birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

@AshleyFrankly: Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

@Fred_Delicious: The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.