Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…


Him: I’m so glad your mine.

Me: *eyes fill with tears* It’s you’re.


Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.


Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it


Please teach your children how babies come out of the womb.

Otherwise, your kid is going to convince my kid that they were pooped out


Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.


Anyone who can spell ‘gonorrhea’ on the first try has probably had it several times


[getting high]

me: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

friend: wait, u mean-

me: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere


THERAPIST: You need to focus on what’s important to you


ME: TWO scoops of ice cream please