@sonictyrant: [After sex]

Her: *smoking a cigarette* where are you going?

Me: i told my mom i'd call her

Her: okay

Me: *tapping the wardrobe door* Mom, you can come out now

@copymama: A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

@TheHyyyype: [creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

@lisaxy424: Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

@tweetsbyrocket: me: [shows 3 friends my time machine]

todd: actually, time travel is very dangerous you shouldn't mess wi—

me: [gets in time machine]

me: [shows 2 friends my time machine] don't tell todd

@david8hughes: I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

@WaxDragonflies: Me- wtf who ate all the Oreos??

17-you did. Yesterday. I saw you.

Me- go to your room.

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

@dafloydsta: UBER: Oh, we're halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we're living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

@thomas_violence: reading rob zombie's name is a real wild ride. at first you're like "rob? ok, i know what we're dealing with here". then things get weird