@stewiecoffee

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

@mommajessiec

Him: I’m so glad your mine.

Me: *eyes fill with tears* It’s you’re.

@Jake_Vig

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture

Her: It’s Mayan

Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it

@itsmebeegee07

Please teach your children how babies come out of the womb.

Otherwise, your kid is going to convince my kid that they were pooped out

@LouGarza86

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

@AndyJokedAgain

Anyone who can spell ‘gonorrhea’ on the first try has probably had it several times

@TheHyyyype

[getting high]

me: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

friend: wait, u mean-

me: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

@chuuew

THERAPIST: You need to focus on what’s important to you

[later]

ME: TWO scoops of ice cream please