Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.


me: what’s todays criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture


Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s



As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”


In high school I was voted class clown because I dragged like three kids into the sewer


shaggy: i can’t believe we ate all the chocolate scoob


shaggy: scoob?


Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you still being hunted for sport?


Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.


Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning