Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
Him: I’m so glad your mine.
Me: *eyes fill with tears* It’s you’re.
Written versions of audio books.
me: so u guys come here often?
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Please teach your children how babies come out of the womb.
Otherwise, your kid is going to convince my kid that they were pooped out
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Anyone who can spell ‘gonorrhea’ on the first try has probably had it several times
me: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
friend: wait, u mean-
me: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
THERAPIST: You need to focus on what’s important to you
ME: TWO scoops of ice cream please