@DadandBuried: Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

@LindaSuePark: Dear makers of women's clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

@: Dear makers of women's clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

@PresTightrhymes: Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

@Cycloptomese: Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why'd you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!

@RedRegenerated: ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But...but he hasn't been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

@ArfMeasures: Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

@WhaJoTalkinBout: customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

@BunAndLeggings: Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we've thought about having less.

@Book_Krazy: [Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.