@MavenofHonor: [when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

@calebsaysthings: every city has a "guy" they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go "oh yeah haha that's horseback jesus" and then that's just the end of the explanation.

@dril: drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

@: My macbook staring at me while I force it to download the same class syllabus for the 80th time this year, just to see one detail

@: aye bro who tf created math and how we know he right???

@agathagotstoned: What the humidity is doing to the squirrels’ tails today is simply unconscionable

@linkindrinkin: professor x: what is your superpower

me: dinosaur chicken nuggets

professor x: that is not a superpower

me: i thought you said superfood

@LittleMissAngr1: I bought six pet carrots a couple weeks ago, and already four have died.

@HenpeckedHal: My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

@IamJackBoot: I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.