@crissymilazzo yesterday i gave my dog a middle part. have not read one single word of a book
@crissymilazzo 
@FANCYKYUU this is why i’m friendless
@RevHughGRection why is it that whenever i sit alone in my dark room for days at a time consuming ungodly amounts of food without any social interaction im “depressed” and “need to see a therapist” but whenever other people do it they’re “quarantining”
@abuya_henry The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to go take a shower.
@UncleDuke1969 Quarantine Level: Expert
@FredTaming me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
@abuya_henry I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don’t know whose side I’m on.
@abuya_henry Facebook post : only a heartless person could scroll pa
Me: *Scrolls Past *
@recursivetaco have all the brands stopped pretending they’re people? It’s safe to assume Hot Pockets isn’t going to announce it has covid19 tomorrow?
@climaxximus son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace