Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@TweetPotato314: [wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

@KMoFlo_official: [tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

@Birdhumms: Don't eat sugar, don't drink alcohol, don't eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise....

And you'll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

@frenziedandfine: I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

@sonictyrant: Director: we haven't heard from the fly on the wall documentary crew in days any idea what happened to them?

Me: *slowly pushes rolled up newspaper out of view* no - no i haven't

@imadoofustoo: 14: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about.’

@MissHavisham: Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real...a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

@AngelaEhh: Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

@ThugRaccoons: Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

@copymama: Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”