Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@IamJackBoot: I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

@tombrodude: i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

@sir_shithead_I: *in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
M: I know. They were organized.

@coolauntV: The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

@ShortSleeveSuit: LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

@FunnyBison: MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

@PleaseBeGneiss: Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

@WheelTod: Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

@thatdutchperson: DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

@climaxximus: [Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I'm always getting lead on, it's really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that's write.