Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@LittleMissAngr1: Me: Yeah, I've been having sex with robots a lot lately to ingratiate myself with them for the inevitable uprising.

Them:

Me: Anyway you were saying you bought a high-tech baby monitor you really like.

@Just__J0: This Halloween I'm going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn't answer the door after 8pm.

@momjeansplease: [hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

@dad_chips: Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

@itsAndoh: Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

@Mechaniz10: You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.

@Parkerlawyer: McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

@jnudey: please excuse me while i search for a new psychiatrist

@RunOldMan: I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor's shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it's empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.