@IamJackBoot: I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
@tombrodude: i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
@sir_shithead_I: *in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
@coolauntV: The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
@ShortSleeveSuit: LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
@FunnyBison: MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
@PleaseBeGneiss: Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
@WheelTod: Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
@thatdutchperson: DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I'm always getting lead on, it's really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that's write.