Pizza: *comes out of oven at 450 degrees*

My brain: I bet this time I can immediately put some in my mouth without any repercussions


me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm


To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.


I’m not worried about toilet paper, but if I go to the store and my coffee creamer is gone, we are going to have issues.


captain america: ok we need to be quiet when sneaking in

hawkeye: *dragging 2 large duffel bags loudly across floor*

captain: wtf is that

hawkeye: *panting* my arrows


octopus: [spinning so fast it takes off]

me: [nodding] helicoptopus


My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5’s complete catalog* oh no