@junejuly12

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

@gvicks

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

@girlwit0filter

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

@IamJackBoot

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

@Faungirl123

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

@suecorvette

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

@divergentmama

[Texting with husband]

Him: I hate when you correct me and make feel like an idiot. Your lucky I love you so much

Me: awwww *you’re

@michimama75

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.