Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream


everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power


I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”


Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?


“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER


If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up


– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?


I have it on good authority those zombie movies are fake!

Because! A body goes in to rigamortis! It doesn’t just skip that part!