Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.


I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.


Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”


I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.


“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet


[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill


Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.


[the last supper]

Jesus (wine drunk): never have I ever… ummmmm… betrayed a friend for money! lol


The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.