@Kryzazy

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

@SvnSxty

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

@VikingBut

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

@not_thenanny

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

@capnwatsisname

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

@eleniZarro

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

@HousewifePlus

They lied. Parenting doesn’t get easier. It gets louder, covered in acne, and more expensive.