Pizza: *comes out of oven at 450 degrees*
My brain: I bet this time I can immediately put some in my mouth without any repercussions
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I’m not worried about toilet paper, but if I go to the store and my coffee creamer is gone, we are going to have issues.
captain america: ok we need to be quiet when sneaking in
hawkeye: *dragging 2 large duffel bags loudly across floor*
captain: wtf is that
hawkeye: *panting* my arrows
40 pizzas in 30 days doesn’t sound so crazy anymore does it
octopus: [spinning so fast it takes off]
me: [nodding] helicoptopus
My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5’s complete catalog* oh no
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows