Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I have it on good authority those zombie movies are fake!
Because! A body goes in to rigamortis! It doesn’t just skip that part!