“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]


Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.


Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?


If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”


What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?


[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again


[Texting with husband]

Him: I hate when you correct me and make feel like an idiot. Your lucky I love you so much

Me: awwww *you’re


I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.