@Knorg

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

@geauxbraves

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

@Writepop

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

@impaulmccoy

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

@Contwixt

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

@perlhack

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

@Social_Mime

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

@JuliaHeinlein

[the last supper]

Jesus (wine drunk): never have I ever… ummmmm… betrayed a friend for money! lol

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.