@django

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

@PrisonCookies

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

@skittle624

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

@PickleRudd

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

@WorkingMom86

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

@50FirstTates

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

@VisionBored1

My son who has just learned how babies are made looked at me and my husband then at his two brothers and said ‘you guys had three sexes right’ so sometimes having kids is kind of alright

@SvnSxty

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

@broken_rhi

Been starving for a man’s touch for months and I finally have a date tonight. How do I get out of it