@SvnSxty

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

@tony_ferraro7

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

@jessokfine

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

@sonictyrant

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

@SaraQDavid

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

@heykyleharris

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

@onnlystar

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

@noneofyours99

I have it on good authority those zombie movies are fake!

Because! A body goes in to rigamortis! It doesn’t just skip that part!