In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.


You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.


There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.


prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?



me: i hoped he was cake


[having sex]

her: i want to be tied up

me: u have a jury summons in the mail

her: not like that

me: i made u a doctor’s appointment

her: stop

me: i told ur sister ur gonna help her move


Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.


Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”


When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.


I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.