If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
judge: I would cease blaming alcohol for your problems son
me: a dui is literally impossible without alcohol your honor
judge: and the indecent exposure?
me: well now see I don’t even remember that
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him
Friend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Her: “For our anniversary my husband is letting me choose between a romantic trip to a secluded mountain cabin or private scuba diving.
Me: “Oh, what a sweetheart. I know the exact outfit I’m going to wear when Dateline interviews me about your “accident.”
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*