@mattbooshell

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

@bewgtweets

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

@TweetPotato314

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

@prawn_meat

pennywise the clown taps into the deep rooted fear we all have that the clown who lives in our sewer turns out to be murderous

@Skoog

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

@Gupton68

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

@suecorvette

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)