@TheAndrewNadeau

How many animals do you think they tried shaving before they figured out sheep?

@not_delicate

Me: Can you please move? I have no space

My husband: Where? There’s literally no room

Me: I hear Canada is nice

@shash_____

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

@TheAndrewNadeau

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

@OMGSoOverIt

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

@Parkerlawyer

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

@mom_tho

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

@Daisyldoo

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

@English_Channel

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day