@Marlebean

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

@aotakeo

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

@FredTaming

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

@videojames_

[having sex]

her: i want to be tied up

me: u have a jury summons in the mail

her: not like that

me: i made u a doctor’s appointment

her: stop

me: i told ur sister ur gonna help her move

@lisa_curry

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

@LeannaO

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

@Shade510

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

@Lisabug74

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.