@Reverend_Scott
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
@Reverend_Scott
@mostlysharks
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
@Icy_Sign
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
@PleaseBeGneiss
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
@I_am_carbs
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
@miseryhighlight
My kid just told me that when I yell for her to come to the kitchen I need to yell gently. Wish me luck in figuring out what that should sound like.
@Bandersnaaatch
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
@RiotGrlErin
[speed dating]
them: describe yourself in 6 wor—
me: the spaghetti stained tupperware of people
@ClassADude
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
@lmegordon
At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.