@RunOldMan

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

@MetteAngerhofer

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

@propapergirl

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

@theregoesrichie

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

@SoVeryBritish

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that