@reallifemommy3

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

@DrakeGatsby

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

@Cheeseboy22

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

@bartandsoul

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

@dontlookformeh_

My Grandmother is telling me a story of how my Grandfather turned into a sex machine after he got Alzheimer’s bc he thought she was his hot new girlfriend and would tell her, “you’re nothing like that hellcat I was married to” 😂

@English_Channel

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

@TommyRainmaker

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*