“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”


For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.


me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that


[in a world where people’s eyes are just bananas]

detective: he could still be nearby, keep your eyes peeled


My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.


Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.


Synchronized swimmers are cool and all, but nothing will ever be as in sync as you and the person trying to get out of each other’s way when you’re both in a hurry.


[giving tinder girl the tour of my apartment] i caught a Pokémon right here last night


A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence. Example:
I ate Julie’s sandwich.
I ate Julie’s colon.


When does the jogging end… surely they must be getting close to declaring a winner