@Grommit56
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
@Grommit56
@nodata4u
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
@PleaseBeGneiss
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
@SaltyMacTavish
Maybe it’s love, maybe you’re passing a kidney stone. The important thing is you’re feeling something
@LizerReal
My husband is Tim but I call him by his formal name – Timberly
@mrjohndarby
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
@geekysteven
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
@UnfilteredMama
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
@AnniemuMary
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
@reviews0context
