@copymama Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
@copymama 
@offbeatoliv Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
@oye_gujju Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
@CulturedRuffian CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
@fro_vo date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
@TheBoydP I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
@Gupton68 I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
@Cpin42 [with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
@katie_honan The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
@Manda_like_wine Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.