I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.


yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.


If I could walk through walls, I’d steal a dollar a day from a bank vault. In ten years, I’d have $3650!


Sleep Pattern

H: 🌃🥱😌😪😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😴😪😌🥱🏙

M: 🌃🥱😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😴😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳🏙


One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”


if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done