If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher



judge: I would cease blaming alcohol for your problems son

me: a dui is literally impossible without alcohol your honor

judge: and the indecent exposure?

me: well now see I don’t even remember that


[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.


Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?


My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week


A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.


Her: “For our anniversary my husband is letting me choose between a romantic trip to a secluded mountain cabin or private scuba diving.

Me: “Oh, what a sweetheart. I know the exact outfit I’m going to wear when Dateline interviews me about your “accident.”


Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.


Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*