@Grommit56

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

@nodata4u

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

@SaltyMacTavish

Maybe it’s love, maybe you’re passing a kidney stone. The important thing is you’re feeling something

@LizerReal

My husband is Tim but I call him by his formal name – Timberly

@mrjohndarby

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

@geekysteven

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

@UnfilteredMama

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

@AnniemuMary

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?