@TheHyyyype: youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you're not bored while he fixes it.
@HenpeckedHal: me: no, you can't have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me: if you don't tell mom I'll give you a popsicle for breakfast
@Smooheed: *twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
@FredTaming: airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
@RunOldMan: Planting some shrubs today and they're all leaning to one side, either I was drunk when I planted them or I planted them too close to the weed.
@Llama5x: New rule for 2019: when you lick it, you buy it. I can’t believe we have to say this.
@ThugRaccoons: Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
@clichedout: me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve