@aissalanis: Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

@mattingebretson: My personal tradition at every wedding I go to is to wish the bride and groom happy birthday

@CoplenChristian: One time a girl I liked was sad because her boyfriend cheated on her and I let her tase me to make her laugh and she got back together with him

@thatUPSdude: Oh shit I thought the sliding glass door was closed! Help help!!

@Jamberee13: Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

@sonictyrant: [Invention of the milk shake]

Drunk farmer: hey lets milk the cows on a rollercoaster

@Dustinkcouch: me: if you break something then try to put it back together, you might find the pieces don't fit the same

customer: can you break this dollar or not man

me: i just want her back

customer: and i just want change

me: u sound just like her

@Smooheed: Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

@stevevsninjas: This anagram machine is out of order.

@JohnLyonTweets: What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.