@Marlebean In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
@Marlebean 
@aotakeo You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
@Pork_Chop_Hair There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
@FredTaming prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
@videojames_ [having sex]
her: i want to be tied up
me: u have a jury summons in the mail
her: not like that
me: i made u a doctor’s appointment
her: stop
me: i told ur sister ur gonna help her move
@spinubzilla 127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
@lisa_curry Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
@LeannaO Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
@Shade510 When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
@Lisabug74 I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.