Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@ArfMeasures: Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn't worked

@pixelatedboat: Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

@KentWGraham: My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

@FredTaming: her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it's not like it's a "sexy" hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it's time for you to give the eulogy

@0000seapea808: It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away...

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

@Divergentmama: Sometimes you can't just tell your kids to make good choices, you have to show them.

Which is why I'm having strawberry toaster strudel and carrot cake for breakfast.

Eat your fruits and veggies kids!

@egg_dog: I found the perfect sign for my 'horse haters' club

@MsLisaM: *signs your yearbook "best friends for life"

*never speaks to you again *

@Douchekevin: FANTASY:

Adored by women
Wealthy
Virile
Sex machine
Owns dragon
Twitter famous

REALITY:

Unfollowed by cat magazine.

@daddydoubts: Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.