Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Maybe it’s love, maybe you’re passing a kidney stone. The important thing is you’re feeling something
My husband is Tim but I call him by his formal name – Timberly
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
cat: and back in again
cat: and back out again
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?