Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@ShootyDoody: Jigsaw: If you want to leave you're gonna need to...

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I'm good here.

@WilliamAder: Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I'm guessing it was a guy.

@turtledumplin: Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper...they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken

And no toilet paper.

@FU_TangClan: therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

@Michael1979: WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON'T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

@Mom_Overboard: John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer ;)

@MissHavisham: “I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

@MissHavisham: Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

@mom_ontherocks: Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

@1fragmentedmind: This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long...
I’m going in myself.