@adamgreattweet

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

@shamanhealer

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

@moonstruckinnyc

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

@GrahamKritzer

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

@GinAndJif

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

@bloodberry_tart

teens are engaging in a deadly new trend called “niceposting” where they say nice things to each other online

@ginnyhogan_

No I will not “clean” my “shower.” My shower can shower when I do, or not at all.