@sarawrencomedy: *slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
@wendchymes: Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
@LlamaInaTux: airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here's 100 bucks, take me as far as that'll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I'll figure it out.
@JustMeTurtle: I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
@_salt_n_lime: My husband told me to hurry up so naturally I took an extra 30 minutes to get ready.
@nyquills: Me: this horror movie is completely unrealistic.
Me: the main characters are so stupid look at them walking into an obvious trap.
Wife: shut up and watch
Me: bet she's a witch and he was under a spell the whole ti-
Wife: ffs it's our wedding video!
@VisionBored1: I am at my most old Italian man when I buy something that tastes awful from Costco but eat it all anyway because I paid good money for that and we don’t waste food in this house
@ArfMeasures: Me: I'm here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy's good