@Jake_Vig A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
@Jake_Vig 
@RunOldMan One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
@jellybnbonanza No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
@julcasagrande I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
@Fickle_Filly January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
@MetteAngerhofer Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
@propapergirl Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
@pineapplepleas Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
@theregoesrichie Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
@SoVeryBritish “Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that