Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.


Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley


Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.


If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.


date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//



date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*


I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.


I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.


[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy


Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.