Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@SwimmingTablets: Him: You seem nice.
Me: I do, don't I?
@Gooooats: I CREATED THE UNIVERSE!
-The Supreme Being
I ADDED SOUR CREAM!
-The Taco Supreme Being
@BrydieLK: We’ve come to an open air screening of Cats and...no one else is here
@MarshallMcFar11: Dear autocorrect,
I've never had a "hard duck" in my life.
Quit your shit.
@GlennyRodge: I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village's water. Didn't go down well.
@JimmerThatisAll: The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
@heyitsJudeD: Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
@ItsAndyRyan: DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
@OctopusCaveman: Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
@MrMichaelSpicer: At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.