@Reverend_Scott

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

@Icy_Sign

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

@PleaseBeGneiss

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

@I_am_carbs

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

@miseryhighlight

My kid just told me that when I yell for her to come to the kitchen I need to yell gently. Wish me luck in figuring out what that should sound like.

@Bandersnaaatch

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

@RiotGrlErin

[speed dating]

them: describe yourself in 6 wor—

me: the spaghetti stained tupperware of people

@ClassADude

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

@lmegordon

At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.