There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead


Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection


Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?


My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?


My Grandmother is telling me a story of how my Grandfather turned into a sex machine after he got Alzheimer’s bc he thought she was his hot new girlfriend and would tell her, “you’re nothing like that hellcat I was married to” 😂


me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?


I’m not really feeling this edible.

*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*