Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.


If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.


Maybe it’s love, maybe you’re passing a kidney stone. The important thing is you’re feeling something


My husband is Tim but I call him by his formal name – Timberly


genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs


Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox


I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead


The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?