@SandwichGhoul
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
@SandwichGhoul
@sarabellab123
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
@Parkerlawyer
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
@50ShadesOf_Cray
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
@Parkerlawyer
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
@bewgtweets
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
@AsteadWesley
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
@FunniestReplies
@RCCrew6
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won’t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
@Writepop
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.