@TheHyyyype: youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you're not bored while he fixes it.

@HenpeckedHal: me: no, you can't have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don't tell mom I'll give you a popsicle for breakfast

@Smooheed: *twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

@FredTaming: airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

@RunOldMan: Planting some shrubs today and they're all leaning to one side, either I was drunk when I planted them or I planted them too close to the weed.

@Llama5x: New rule for 2019: when you lick it, you buy it. I can’t believe we have to say this.

@fro_vo: if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

@ThugRaccoons: Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

@crocodilethumbs: Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

@clichedout: me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve