@AbbieEvansXO: Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

@DrakeGatsby: Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

@mela_shea: A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

@robin_991: Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

@HomeWithPeanut: Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

@TheWinegasm: It's all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

@IndecisiveJones: [touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

@dieworkwear: I couldn't help but wonder ... is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

@stevevsninjas: Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That's when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

@stevevsninjas: So I'm pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.