@SwimmingTablets: Him: You seem nice.
Me: I do, don't I?

@Gooooats: I CREATED THE UNIVERSE!
-The Supreme Being

I ADDED SOUR CREAM!
-The Taco Supreme Being

@BrydieLK: We’ve come to an open air screening of Cats and...no one else is here

@MarshallMcFar11: Dear autocorrect,

I've never had a "hard duck" in my life.

Quit your shit.

@GlennyRodge: I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village's water. Didn't go down well.

@JimmerThatisAll: The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

@heyitsJudeD: Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

@ItsAndyRyan: DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

@OctopusCaveman: Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

@MrMichaelSpicer: At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.