@TweetPotato314
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
@AbbieEvansXO
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
@vladyhh
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
@anatotitan
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
@annastayshaa
My 8yo in the car today: “Do you want me to throw the confetti in my pocket?”
Me: “No not in the car! – why do you have confetti in your pocket?”
8yo: “It’s my emergency confetti, I carry it everywhere in case there is good news.”
@cassthevirgin
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
@ozzyunc
Satanism is appealing but it’s still having the same imaginary friend as a bunch of other people. I wouldn’t feel special.
@Quartzjixler
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
@UncleBob56
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
@MelvinofYork
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared