@not_delicate

I really need The Bangles to get back together and record Pandemic Monday

@colleen_eileen

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

@Wordesse

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

@rudy_betrayed

this old lady came to the bank i work at to withdraw $10. i told her that for withdraws less than $100 she has to use the atm. so she asked to withdraw $1000 in $10 bills. it sucked but i counted it out and handed her the money. she took $10, gave me $990 and said “deposit this”

@DameSpunky

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

@LostFelicia

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

@sarcasticmommy4

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

@Gupton68

I’ll only believe in evolution when donuts learn how to reproduce in captivity.

@EllaZee5

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way