Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@Gupton68: Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars - might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

@Pork_Chop_Hair: Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

@mommajessiec: Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

1yo: *walking*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

6yo: *riding two-wheeler*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*

@Gupton68: *puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!

@LittleMissAngr1: Him: Honey, I wrecked the car.

Me: Omg! Did you pick up the food first?

@squirrel74wkgn: [used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars...but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

@FredTaming: shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

@UncleDuke1969: Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

@TuSoonShakur: Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

@vodkanopants: Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink