@SardonicTart

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

@WeedlordKrillin

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

@dog_feelings

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

@mxmclain

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

@NewDadNotes

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

@FellowIdle

Manager just called me ‘part of the problem’, and I feel so offended.

Mostly, I’m the whole problem.

@cameronmattis

the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large

@theregoesrichie

If you also bump into furniture and apologize to it, you can be in our secret society.

@jellybnbonanza

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.