@SardonicTart
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
@WeedlordKrillin
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
@dog_feelings
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
@mxmclain
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
@NewDadNotes
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
@murd0csniccal
I’m sorry she’s WHAT
@FellowIdle
Manager just called me ‘part of the problem’, and I feel so offended.
Mostly, I’m the whole problem.
@cameronmattis
the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large
@theregoesrichie
If you also bump into furniture and apologize to it, you can be in our secret society.
@jellybnbonanza
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.