@TXrednation1
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
@UnFitz
My countless attempts to multiply various numbers by zero amounted to nothing.
@Social_Mime
I got excited when my wife texted me “I want some of this later” with the eggplant emoji.
Turns out she just really wanted some eggplant parmigiana.
@SunniWestbrook
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
@loret826
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
@AngryRaccoon2
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
@wavehi4me
I love my family,but sometimes I think they don’t love me because they include me in group texts and you only do that to people you hate.
@sixfootcandy
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
@OMGSoOverIt
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
@amyis_trying
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce