@WilliamAder

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

@RichBeingRich

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

@noneofyours99

My son’s grandparents

They give me a heads up on what they are sending him each year

Aaand I pretend I knew it was his birthday and didn’t forget again.

@Gupton68

I recently discovered that people won’t buy any old crap online, so there goes my brilliant and highly original get-rich-quick scheme.

Unrelated, any suggestions as to how else I could dispose of my old underpants?

@skittle624

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

@ginnyhogan_

“The worst they can say is no” okay but that like devastates me when it happens

@amyenterprise

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

@SSparklesDaily

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.