@UnFitz

My countless attempts to multiply various numbers by zero amounted to nothing.

@Social_Mime

I got excited when my wife texted me “I want some of this later” with the eggplant emoji.

Turns out she just really wanted some eggplant parmigiana.

@SunniWestbrook

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

@loret826

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

@AngryRaccoon2

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

@wavehi4me

I love my family,but sometimes I think they don’t love me because they include me in group texts and you only do that to people you hate.

@sixfootcandy

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.