Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My countless attempts to multiply various numbers by zero amounted to nothing.
I got excited when my wife texted me “I want some of this later” with the eggplant emoji.
Turns out she just really wanted some eggplant parmigiana.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I love my family,but sometimes I think they don’t love me because they include me in group texts and you only do that to people you hate.
After hours club.
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce