@MomOnFire

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

@Wordesse

Babies recognize their mothers’ voices in the womb so they can selectively block it when they’re older.

@RYGdance

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

@CandymanTimTam

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

@MaidOfBeans

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

@PearlsFromMyrna

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

@karanbirtinna

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

@mommajessiec

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

@TheHyyyype

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves