My countless attempts to multiply various numbers by zero amounted to nothing.


I got excited when my wife texted me “I want some of this later” with the eggplant emoji.

Turns out she just really wanted some eggplant parmigiana.


My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.


If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.


Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.


I love my family,but sometimes I think they don’t love me because they include me in group texts and you only do that to people you hate.


20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.