Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@squirrel74wkgn: [at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

@with_a_ph23: How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

@mrjohndarby: me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

@Megatronic13: Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

@: me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

@: robber: empty the register

cashier: did you find everything alright

robber: come on gimme the money

cashier: is paper ok

robber: i brought my own bag

cashier: are you a member of our rewards club

@BoomBoomBetty: Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

@krisv_723: Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

@SardonicTart: Didn't find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

@copymama: No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.