Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.


Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.


[Me on a Date with my crush]

Me : Will u eat Burger??

Her : No, I’m eating light these days

Me : Waiter! A Burger for me and an LED bulb for this lady.


one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom


13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days


I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…