accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster


men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want


don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die


My 8yo in the car today: “Do you want me to throw the confetti in my pocket?”
Me: “No not in the car! – why do you have confetti in your pocket?”
8yo: “It’s my emergency confetti, I carry it everywhere in case there is good news.”


Satanism is appealing but it’s still having the same imaginary friend as a bunch of other people. I wouldn’t feel special.


You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.


Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?


I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared