@not_delicate
I really need The Bangles to get back together and record Pandemic Monday
@colleen_eileen
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
@Browtweaten
sigh
@Wordesse
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
@rudy_betrayed
this old lady came to the bank i work at to withdraw $10. i told her that for withdraws less than $100 she has to use the atm. so she asked to withdraw $1000 in $10 bills. it sucked but i counted it out and handed her the money. she took $10, gave me $990 and said “deposit this”
@DameSpunky
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
@LostFelicia
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
@sarcasticmommy4
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
@Gupton68
I’ll only believe in evolution when donuts learn how to reproduce in captivity.
@EllaZee5
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way