@TheAlexNevil

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

@nottheworstmom

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

@VibesBummer

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

@solsayswhaaa

you’re= you are

you’ve= you have

you’ll= you will

i’m= still waiting for a text back

@MythicPicnic

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

@eleniZarro

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

@abbycohenwl

Climate Change: It’ll take 30 more years but I’ll destroy this planet
COVID-19: Lol OK boomer

@TheBoydP

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.