@lowendfury: go ahead and get in the pond since u wanna act like a silly goose

@SadMeterologist: Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

@: Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

@dadthatwrites: God: It's called the violin.

Angel: Does it sound good.

God: Oh yes, if you play it perfectly after a lifetime of practice.

Angel: What if they haven't mastered it yet?

God: A screeching horror that'll make your balls bleed.

Angel: No middle ground?

God: BLEEDING BALLS.

@ThugRaccoons: Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

@ThugRaccoons: Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

@thedad: My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

@daddydoubts: Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

@daddydoubts: Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

@VisionBored1: [ spelling bee ]

judge: Your word is enamoured

me: Could you use it in a sentence

judge: I am enamoured by you

me: Oh wow. Me too. Can I get your number?

judge: your word is yes