@jellybnbonanza

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

@brynnester

Man: But both my eyes are bad

Inventor Of The Monocle: And?

@_stylr

Whichever absolute idiot invented jobs should be fired.

@RunwayDan

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

@reallifemommy3

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

@kieransofar

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

@HomeWithPeanut

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

@daddydoubts

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.