@mommajessiec: Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
@Smooheed: The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
@CantWaitToNap: My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
@Parkerlawyer: I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
@Darlainky: A Citizen's Arrest for the next person who asks me if I'm ready for Christmas.
@Social_Mime: If someone asks us why we didn't have kids I ask them how many people they've had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it's peak I'll ask if I'm playing the none of your business game correctly.
@MNateShyamalan: me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void