@TheAlexNevil
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
@nottheworstmom
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
@VibesBummer
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
@solsayswhaaa
you’re= you are
you’ve= you have
you’ll= you will
i’m= still waiting for a text back
@MythicPicnic
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
@Elizasoul80
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
@free_mattress
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
@eleniZarro
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
@abbycohenwl
Climate Change: It’ll take 30 more years but I’ll destroy this planet
COVID-19: Lol OK boomer
@TheBoydP
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.