@decentbirthday: My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

@McKeeMack: God: ok you’re a beaver

Beaver: cool cool

God: and you build homes in water

Beaver: me likey

God: but I’m giving you 2 inch teeth to build with

Beaver: mofer fufer

@mahoneycomedy: When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

@PickleRudd: Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said "this gyro is my jam
and I'm feeling kinda sneaky."

So she slipped out
and didn't pay.
The guy said
"I'll be damned."
So he called the cops.
They're on the way.
Now Mary's on the lam!

@Darlainky: A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were "This ticket is for distracted driving."

@TheAndrewNadeau: Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

@david8hughes: [1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it's like bread but harder

@UncleDuke1969: HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: ...
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

@WhitneyCummings: if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I'm holding my phone, I will call the police.

@: if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I'm holding my phone, I will call the police.