My five stages of waking up:

5)Extreme hostility


printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan


a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself


If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.


Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10


Manager just called me ‘part of the problem’, and I feel so offended.

Mostly, I’m the whole problem.


the good news is my custom facemask arrived, the bad news is that they printed my face 20% too large


If you also bump into furniture and apologize to it, you can be in our secret society.


Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.