@noneofyours99

I have it on good authority those zombie movies are fake!

Because! A body goes in to rigamortis! It doesn’t just skip that part!

@Contwixt

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

@jollyrobber

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

@TheBigBatman

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

@rwabushaija_

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

@autogynefiles

OMG— I JUST GOT INTO HARVARD LAW SCHOOL. THE LOCK WAS SO WEAK— A SMALL HAMMER WAS MORE THAN SUFFICIENT! 💞🔒🛠

@E_lok44

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

@AlanFelyk

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

@WilliamAder

If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.