@McClaneJohn2
An alarm clock that releases the scent of bacon.
@portmanteauface
Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV
@Kids_kubed
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
@AmandaRNH
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
@puntmedaddy
I PASSED THE BAR!!!!
Imma turn around tho, I actually really need a drink
@Shashtagger
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
@UncleDuke1969
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
@MumInBits
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
@elfbatross
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
@HatfieldAnne
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.