Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”



My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch


If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.


you’re= you are

you’ve= you have

you’ll= you will

i’m= still waiting for a text back


It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams


Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger


Climate Change: It’ll take 30 more years but I’ll destroy this planet
COVID-19: Lol OK boomer


Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.