You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Man: But both my eyes are bad
Inventor Of The Monocle: And?
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Whichever absolute idiot invented jobs should be fired.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button: