@mommajessiec: Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

@Smooheed: The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

@CantWaitToNap: My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

@MaryJustice86: A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

@AmishPornStar1: "No! YOU'RE plastered!!!"

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

@Parkerlawyer: I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

@Darlainky: A Citizen's Arrest for the next person who asks me if I'm ready for Christmas.

@clumsyassdani: Despite the rumors about me, I’m probably worse.

@Social_Mime: If someone asks us why we didn't have kids I ask them how many people they've had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it's peak I'll ask if I'm playing the none of your business game correctly.

@MNateShyamalan: me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus