@noneofyours99
I have it on good authority those zombie movies are fake!
Because! A body goes in to rigamortis! It doesn’t just skip that part!
@Contwixt
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
@jollyrobber
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
@TheBigBatman
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
@rwabushaija_
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
@autogynefiles
OMG— I JUST GOT INTO HARVARD LAW SCHOOL. THE LOCK WAS SO WEAK— A SMALL HAMMER WAS MORE THAN SUFFICIENT! 💞🔒🛠
@E_lok44
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
@AlanFelyk
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
@WilliamAder
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
@XplodingUnicorn
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.