@difficultpatty Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
@Whatevah_Amy Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
@d1dynasty_ [Me on a Date with my crush]
Me : Will u eat Burger??
Her : No, I’m eating light these days
Me : Waiter! A Burger for me and an LED bulb for this lady.
@LlamaInaTux one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
@raiin_song thread of this specific and very funny sense of humor:
@SexyNoahCyrus 
@Alohababe2011 Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
@beckybbarr Them: If you ask me…
Me: I didn’t.
@Kids_kubed 13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
@charlieluffagus I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…