@TweetPotato314

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

@AbbieEvansXO

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

@vladyhh

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

@annastayshaa

My 8yo in the car today: “Do you want me to throw the confetti in my pocket?”
Me: “No not in the car! – why do you have confetti in your pocket?”
8yo: “It’s my emergency confetti, I carry it everywhere in case there is good news.”

@ozzyunc

Satanism is appealing but it’s still having the same imaginary friend as a bunch of other people. I wouldn’t feel special.

@Quartzjixler

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

@UncleBob56

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

@MelvinofYork

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared