You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”


Man: But both my eyes are bad

Inventor Of The Monocle: And?


Whichever absolute idiot invented jobs should be fired.


When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.


It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away


me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice


Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”


My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.