I really need The Bangles to get back together and record Pandemic Monday


My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen


The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.


this old lady came to the bank i work at to withdraw $10. i told her that for withdraws less than $100 she has to use the atm. so she asked to withdraw $1000 in $10 bills. it sucked but i counted it out and handed her the money. she took $10, gave me $990 and said “deposit this”


*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?


My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.


Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.


I’ll only believe in evolution when donuts learn how to reproduce in captivity.


me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way