@TheWeirdWorld
Dating is wondering why someone is single, then figuring it out.
@WilliamAder
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
@RichBeingRich
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
@noneofyours99
My son’s grandparents
They give me a heads up on what they are sending him each year
Aaand I pretend I knew it was his birthday and didn’t forget again.
@seamussaid
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
@Gupton68
I recently discovered that people won’t buy any old crap online, so there goes my brilliant and highly original get-rich-quick scheme.
Unrelated, any suggestions as to how else I could dispose of my old underpants?
@skittle624
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
@ginnyhogan_
“The worst they can say is no” okay but that like devastates me when it happens
@amyenterprise
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
@SSparklesDaily
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.