Me: Where there’s a will there’s a way

Will: That’s true

Way: Very true


I usually spend so much time looking for the perfect excuse to cancel plans.. now we all have the same one


Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.


I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.


Me: it’s been a while since I did anything embarrassingly clumsy

Universe: give it time


It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.


If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.


Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet