I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I only feel really dirty when I go to the grocery store now.
Municipal Government: Try to stay home
Provincial Government: Try to stay home
Federal Government: Try to stay home
My boss: See you tomorrow
[dumps water on judas]
jesus: check it out. i turned water into whine.
judas: what the hell?!
jesus: oh judas, don’t be so cross.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that