@1MeLrO

I only feel really dirty when I go to the grocery store now.

@drinksmcgee

Municipal Government: Try to stay home
Provincial Government: Try to stay home
Federal Government: Try to stay home
My boss: See you tomorrow

@PatsATweetin

[dumps water on judas]
jesus: check it out. i turned water into whine.

judas: what the hell?!

jesus: oh judas, don’t be so cross.

judas:

jesus: wut?

@sophielou

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

@elle91

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

@suecorvette

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

@chellemybell22

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

@TheAlexNevil

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]