Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack


Do you think a gooses car horn is just a human saying “honk”?


MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water


ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol


My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.


My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him


Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”


*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”