Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.


The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.


Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.


Sorry I jumped for joy, threw confetti and started popping bottles when you said you were going out for a little while.

My husband:


I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens


*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this


[my wife is giving birth]

doctor: grab a leg!

me: [pulling out drumstick] here u go babe


me: oh sorry *gives her dipping sauce*

wife: thanks


me: you’re my favorite son…who’s your favorite mom?

son: dad


I’m gonna get a local farmer to produce my next album. I heard he had some sick beets.