@dumbbeezie

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

@TheNYAMProject

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

@HaliPhacks

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

@steeve_again

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

@TheIntComShow

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

@bestestname

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

@nyquills

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

@JohnLyonTweets

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

@socksandsamdals

god: let there be light

plant: looks tasty

god: what

plant: can i eat it?

god: well no-

plant: i think im gonna eat it

@TheAndrewNadeau

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain