Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Sorry I jumped for joy, threw confetti and started popping bottles when you said you were going out for a little while.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone
*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
[my wife is giving birth]
doctor: grab a leg!
me: [pulling out drumstick] here u go babe
wife: ARE YOU AN IDIOT??
me: oh sorry *gives her dipping sauce*
me: you’re my favorite son…who’s your favorite mom?
I’m gonna get a local farmer to produce my next album. I heard he had some sick beets.