Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Everything beeps and blinks.
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
god: let there be light
plant: looks tasty
plant: can i eat it?
god: well no-
plant: i think im gonna eat it
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain