@omgshuddup

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

@Royal_Stein

Do you think a gooses car horn is just a human saying “honk”?

@AndyJokedAgain

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

@junejuly12

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

@adamgreattweet

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

@Gupton68

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”

@Rollinintheseat

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”