Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@ThugRaccoons: Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

@gary_augustine: The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo...

@Mom_Overboard: I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

@RdrJay47: One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it's kinda like dating.

@RaphaelBW: some say Leonardo DiCaprio was a star before Titanic and some say he was a not a star but personally I will not be satisfied with this debate until Neil DeGrasse Tyson weighs in boringly about the scientific definition of "star" and everyone yells at him

@ShitJokes: I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. "Hardback?" The assistant asked.

"Yes" I replied, “with little heads”

@climaxximus: me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I'm serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I'm more specific

@IndecisiveJones: cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

@EmberToAsh: I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.