My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”


Hate when i’m singing a song and the artist gets the lyrics wrong


Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.


I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.


First meeting working remotely.

My boss: turn the camera on please
Me: it’s broken

What. You’re wearing pants to work from home?


Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.


{Him going to turn on the faucet outside}.

Me: You don’t want to do that.

Him: Sure I do (gets sprayed in the face).

Him: You could’ve told me there was a hole at the top of the hose line.

Me: No, you could have asked “why?” When I said “you don’t want to do that.


ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know


*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby


Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.