Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@NewDadNotes: [stargazing with my daughter]

Daughter: dada where’s Orion’s Belt?

Me: it’s probably on Orion’s Pants lol.



Daughter: this is why I have a C in science.

@Cassee999: My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

@MattTheBrand: coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that's what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

@SimplySnaccbar: [Dating week 1]

Me: I'll have a salad and a glass of water, watching my figure ahaha

[Dating week 4]

Me: I will have one of every item on the Taco Bell menu and ALL the coffee you can find within a fifty mile radius do NOT disappoint me

@PoshTick: time traveller: what's wrong

me: i just failed college

time traveller: 2nd or 3rd time

me: firs- wait what

@GrillinChillin9: Mother's maiden name: Mom
Mother's first name: Mom
Mother's last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

@gabbybendel: it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

@suzannemariedo: [funeral]

Priest: what the HELL

Me: *eating banana split like corn on the cob* my bad did you want a bite

@mrjohndarby: me: I'd like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only