Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@FrazzleMyGimp: [zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

@3sunzzz: Um, products that have seals that read, "Do not use if seal is missing," how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it's missing?

@Darlainky: Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

@AlisonChrista: ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L's?!

@bartandsoul: “I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

@LittleMissAngr1: I always cancel my uber if they assign me a van. I'm not ready to order my own murder.

@UncleDuke1969: [driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

@AndrewNadeau0: The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

@TweetsByKaylee: murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon :(

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :')

@UncleDuke1969: ME: *points at my "World's Greatest Dad" shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own "World's Greatest Dad" shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my "World's Greatest Dad" mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own "World's Greatest Dad" mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws "World's Greatest Dad" sword*