Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Make baby clothes in my size!!! I want elastic pants with cool as hell dinosaurs on them or lil crop tops with avocados or some shit!!!!
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.