Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@sixfootcandy: *whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

@kibblesmith: Well my name's Harry Potter and I'm here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

@LoveNLunchmeat: Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

@ItsSamG: He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

@Big_Cat74: me: oh, I have a great ide...

wife: no

@Lisabug74: You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you're being watched?

@LostFelicia: My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

@PinkCamoTO: The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I'm turning it into a scavenger hunt.

@_whatwhatwhat_: gf: don't tell my dad you sell drugs

[later]

gf's dad: what do you do

me: i give out free drugs