DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea


“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza


A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory


My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully


Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?


I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.


Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.


One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is