@OwlFWGKTA

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

@jessokfine

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

@FunnyBison

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

@echoesofpoetry

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

@MarkTConard

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

@GruntledChalkie

My phone makes a dew drop sound for notifications.
I was holding an #alpaca up close and showing him to a customer when a notification came in.
Spent the rest of the time trying to explain to the customer that alpacas do not make dew drop noises.

@fro_vo

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

@difficultpatty

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes