@OrdinaryAlso

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

@Heatinblack

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

@AtCouchyB

Me: Sorry I’m late for my new job as ship cleaner. What do I do first?

Boss: You mist the boat.

@GlennyRodge

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

@sweetmomissa

I’m guessing whoever coined the phrase “no news is good news” obviously did not have children that were playing quietly in their rooms.

@thekwonk

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

@TweetPotato314

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

@AbbieEvansXO

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

@vladyhh

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die