getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
My phone makes a dew drop sound for notifications.
I was holding an #alpaca up close and showing him to a customer when a notification came in.
Spent the rest of the time trying to explain to the customer that alpacas do not make dew drop noises.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
– Me warding off morning people
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes