Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.


Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”


4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long


If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.


No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day


I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys


can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week