@mrjohndarby

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

@ThugRaccoons

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

@Jamberee13

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

@LeahsLounge

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

@calebsaysthings

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

@OwlFWGKTA

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

@unmehlievable

Me: So there are 365 days in a year, yet there are 52 weeks consisting of 7 days each, which equals 364 days. Where does that extra da…

Guy at the bar: I think I see my friends

@kieransofar

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time

@local__celeb

if im going on a date i think regardless of gender, the other person should pay. this is rooted in the fact that i don’t want to pay