@sammorril

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

@_wildmilk

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

@catholicdad420

the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”

@mckinneykelsey

Make baby clothes in my size!!! I want elastic pants with cool as hell dinosaurs on them or lil crop tops with avocados or some shit!!!!

@UncleDuke1969

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

@OMGSoOverIt

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

@JustBeingEmma

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

@IsMarshallOkay

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

@DavidAdt1

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife: