@AimeeHelene1: I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
@BoomBoomBetty: Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
@online_shawn: One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
@samalmightysam: I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
@AimeeHelene1: *waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
@GrantTanaka: 1. gather 'round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
@FU_TangClan: me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
@Elizasoul80: I've accepted that I'll probably never say "I'd love to" without sounding sarcastic.
@sofarrsogud: ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?