@AbleLikes: I just canceled a date because I wanted to make chocolate chunk cookies tonight instead. Yeah I'm gonna die alone. But with cookies!
@TweetPotato314: [ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
@FU_TangClan: [watching Joker]
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
@brianbatescomic: Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
@_elvishpresley_: boss: david, you're fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me :)
@NotMarkAllen: [cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I'm a Prime member.
I'd like to complain that my shipping took three days.
@mela_shea: I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
@FU_TangClan: Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?
me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
@10kbabyspiders: You’re over 45. Better tell the cashier how many deer were in the yard this morning.