(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein


*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom


Me: Sorry I’m late for my new job as ship cleaner. What do I do first?

Boss: You mist the boat.


Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.


I’m guessing whoever coined the phrase “no news is good news” obviously did not have children that were playing quietly in their rooms.


It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.


[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea


accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster


men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want


don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die