My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh