@WhaJoTalkinBout: [meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
@mom_tho: My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
@TweetsByKaylee: kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
@ArfMeasures: Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Willy Wonka: what
@kimtopher22: "I'll take you for a walk when I'm damn well good and ready!" I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
@dildointherough: On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she's already used to not finishing
@UncleDuke1969: SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
@sad_saurus: Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
@MNateShyamalan: women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”