My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.


The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list


Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care


Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal


My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.


if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for


[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh