@fiImsbi: stephen king’s mind:
what if dog...bad?
what if car...bad?
what if clown...bad?
what if hotel...bad?
@stevevsninjas: Her: I like a guy who's mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
@DrakeGatsby: Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
@karanbirtinna: Me: Hi. I'd like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I'd like to.
@IndecisiveJones: I’m not a fan of diarrhea jokes, I mean that shits been done all over the place.
@hermanntrude: The Flintstones had cars, record players, TV, radio, helicopters, lawn mowers...
but not shoes.
@FrazzleMyGimp: [building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
@leakypod: [just time traveled to the past]
them: can u explain how this “electricity” thing works
me: lol no
them: can u explain literally anything
me: ok so u know how i mentioned sporks
@Kristen_Arnett: good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab