when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids


me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby


I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues


You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.


identifying as an airline so my bank will give me several billion dollars


I don’t trust anyone who says “peeps” and isn’t talking about the candy.


nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it