@AllanForsyth
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
@LaneSperkus
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
@Hobo_Splendido
Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care
@thedadvocate01
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
@CrockettForReal
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
@sherlock_er
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
@solsayswhaaa
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
@pro_worrier_
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
@minkpinkustink
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
@seancehat
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh