Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@OctopusCaveman: Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

@bromanconsul: everyone smokes a bunch now and wants to die and has detailed opinions about art and it felt cool and interesting until I realized we're just Becoming France

@tira_tira_tira: Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

@Ideal_Victoria: End of date

Me: I've been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

@envydatropic: I text him the eggplant emoji along with "I would like this tonight" (because I'm planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

@BunAndLeggings: My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don't know how to handle that. It's been 3 days.

@TheAlexNevil: *throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us...”

@MythicPicnic: My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

@daemonic3: them: we're offering you a job at the hospital in our new ward

me: omg really?!? which one

them: psych

me: aw dang i thought you were serious :(

@Marlebean: My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not "Was he hot?”
I know this now.