Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@envydatropic: I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

@Smug_Lemur: What's it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

@HenpeckedHal: A good spouse doesn't complain about watching their partner's stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

@T_Bonezzz_: Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

@momjeansplease: Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog... and it shows.

@AimeeHelene1: If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

@CantWaitToNap: Sorry I hit you with my car over and over... but you kept getting up.

@MarieLoerzel: You're either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

@behindyourback: have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn