They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.


I woke up in a bathtub full of ice in a cheap motel with stitches all over my torso. I was afraid that I had been attacked by organ thieves, but it turns out that it was actually good samaritans who put a bunch of extra organs into me. I have like five livers now.


Me: I can only do sad and bored

Trainer: no I said range of MOTION


Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING


Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”


heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat