@TheUnrealMattR

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

@advicefromphil

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

@bartandsoul

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

@Marlebean

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

@KyleSmells

mother: i hope i pass the bar exam

[later]

mother-in-law: i passed!

@LittleMissAngr1

You show up unannounced at my door. I invite you in and sit you down in the kitchen with a cup of coffee. I begin mopping the floor, smiling at you as I work my way backwards towards the doorway. Please let that dry, I shout, as I put on my coat and leave the house.

@English_Channel

Computer: Choose a password

Me: 1scoop_of_coffee_per_2cups_of_water

Computer: Sorry, that password is too weak

@humanaaron

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”