@SarcasticSadOne If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
@TheUnrealMattR My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
@EmissaryKerry 2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
@advicefromphil me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
@bartandsoul A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
@Marlebean I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
@KyleSmells mother: i hope i pass the bar exam
[later]
mother-in-law: i passed!
@LittleMissAngr1 You show up unannounced at my door. I invite you in and sit you down in the kitchen with a cup of coffee. I begin mopping the floor, smiling at you as I work my way backwards towards the doorway. Please let that dry, I shout, as I put on my coat and leave the house.
@English_Channel Computer: Choose a password
Me: 1scoop_of_coffee_per_2cups_of_water
Computer: Sorry, that password is too weak
@humanaaron wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”