i wish we could shoplift online
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I woke up in a bathtub full of ice in a cheap motel with stitches all over my torso. I was afraid that I had been attacked by organ thieves, but it turns out that it was actually good samaritans who put a bunch of extra organs into me. I have like five livers now.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
Me: I can only do sad and bored
Trainer: no I said range of MOTION
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator