@_steamy_mac: Alcoholism is a wonderful way to turn today’s problems into tomorrow’s even bigger problems.

@DadZZZasleep: wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

@Havish_AF: I don't mean to brag, but i'm an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

@LittleMissAngr1: I don't complain when my neighbours have loud sex. I heckle.

@Torgo_phylum: Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

@BunAndLeggings: I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, "you're boring!" and "I have socks!" as insults and it's amazing.

@MelvinofYork: My daughter just said "my friends all think you're cool but I know you're not." Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

@Darlainky: *loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

@michael_aas: “Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

@BoomBoomBetty: I once almost called 911 from the bathroom because I was afraid I would never stop peeing.

Related fact: marijuana warps time perception