Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?