At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé