25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”


Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.


Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??


Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on


It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.


My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.


Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better


3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.


Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?


She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.