Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@: oh my god, scientists have found a new planet that we could probably inhabit; it's already got the right atmosphere, distance from its star, even infrastructure for humans! literally all we;d have to do is lower carbon emissions and it'd be totally habitable for humans

@FU_TangClan: boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who ;)

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one :(

@MattTheBrand: me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

@sixfootcandy: Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

@mastrap84: Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

@1stEvilWench: There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

@AshleyFrankly: Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

@ArfMeasures: My life is a rollercoaster. There's a lot of sitting down and screaming.

@daphne_mir: Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb