@: oh my god, scientists have found a new planet that we could probably inhabit; it's already got the right atmosphere, distance from its star, even infrastructure for humans! literally all we;d have to do is lower carbon emissions and it'd be totally habitable for humans
@FU_TangClan: boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who ;)
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one :(
@MattTheBrand: me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
@sixfootcandy: Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
@mastrap84: Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
@AshleyFrankly: Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
@daphne_mir: Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb