Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

@Darlainky: Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

@Stonekettle: I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

@ItsAndyRyan: God inventing the fox: How's about a dog... but sexy?

@BuckyIsotope: JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

@Darlainky: “Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

@whatmaddness: [yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

@MelvinofYork: I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

@portmanteauface: ME: *googling* how to lose weight

GOOGLE: exercise, healthy diet, no alcohol

ME: *googling angrily* exactly how bad is Bing