Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@pittdave13: Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

@om_eye_goodness: my 3 year old kept saying she “wants a spirit guest & needs a spirit guest” and “has a spirit guest” and like 4 exorcisms later, i realized she was just talking about asparagus.

@ginnyhogan_: yesterday a man corrected my pronunciation of my name

@70Ceeks: DORA: "What was YOUR favorite part?!"
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: "I like that part too."

@MarcACaputo: My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

@paul_haine: If you're ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

@MilesKlee: don't ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

@sageboggs: I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

@Keally22: A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

@AlanTheWriter: My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister's baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.