Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@ebruenig: me: tomorrow we can go to the craft store.

toddler: yeah. it's like the fish store.

me: what? no, it's like — it's not like a fish store.

toddler: yeah, the crab store.

me: no, the craFT store.

toddler: the crab store. [crab hands] it's like the fish store.

me: ok

@dorsalstream: WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

@ThugRaccoons: Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

@DrakeGatsby: [Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

@GorillaNipples1: Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

@McGrumpenstein: if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

@tweetsbyrocket: 911: what's your emergency

me: someone stole my watch

911: when did this happen

me: how am i supposed to know

@TheAndrewNadeau: Wife: I'm leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You're leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

@TuSoonShakur: Bad comedy:

"Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?"

*crickets*

"Jeez, y'all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?"

@KentWGraham: Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.