@adamgreattweet

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

@ErinChack

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

@mommajessiec

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

@MrAlexisPereira

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

@thombodytolove

really nice when the youtube home workout guy with 17 abs is like “ur doing great” like thanks buddy but i am throwing up everywhere

@EmmaJanePettit

Boyfriend is sitting by his computer eating sausage with Wikipedia opened to the page “Sausage.”

@JediGigi

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

@mostly_cheese

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.