@asaltiercorpse

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

@sixfootcandy

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

@DudeMass

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

@CarbonatedCB

The best way to have self-control with queso dip in the house is to forget to hide it from your family and let them get to it first

@mommajessiec

There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.

@JustMeTurtle

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

@samelpan

I can tell if someone’s hot by looking at them

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying