living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated


Just read that michelangelo painted the sistine chapel on his back. Must’ve been really difficult reaching that bit between his shoulders.


Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM


[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on


Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire


Hey, mister tambourine man
Play a song for me
But learn another instrument first
‘Cause an entire song on a tambourine
Would be monotonous.


me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?


A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?


I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter