@Henry_3000 People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
@Henry_3000 
@dad_chips Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
@StewieTea2 Which idiot called it a vasectomy?
Rather than ‘I kid you not’
@mommajessiec Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
@difficultpatty At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
@steeve_again Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
@RodLacroix Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
@Lhlodder No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
@TweetsByKaylee [day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
@cristela9 YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.