@teehee_sarah
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
@GlennyRodge
Just read that michelangelo painted the sistine chapel on his back. Must’ve been really difficult reaching that bit between his shoulders.
@RodLacroix
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
@clichedout
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
@GingerHotDish
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
@UnFitz
Hey, mister tambourine man
Play a song for me
But learn another instrument first
‘Cause an entire song on a tambourine
Would be monotonous.
@suecorvette
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
@CrockettForReal
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
@NotTodayEric
Welcome to your 40’s: everyone is twelve now.
@eleniZarro
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter