@Browtweaten
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
@suecorvette
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
@UnFitz
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
@AndLookPretty
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
@whatmaddness
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
@TragicAllyHere
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
@pilau
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
@OmarNajam
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
@redsunO21
muppets have front facing eyes and are therefore predators
@pilau
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue: