@teehee_sarah

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

@GlennyRodge

Just read that michelangelo painted the sistine chapel on his back. Must’ve been really difficult reaching that bit between his shoulders.

@RodLacroix

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

@clichedout

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

@GingerHotDish

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

@UnFitz

Hey, mister tambourine man
Play a song for me
But learn another instrument first
‘Cause an entire song on a tambourine
Would be monotonous.

@suecorvette

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

@CrockettForReal

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

@eleniZarro

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter