I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car


i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year


Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.


Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.


really nice when the youtube home workout guy with 17 abs is like “ur doing great” like thanks buddy but i am throwing up everywhere


Boyfriend is sitting by his computer eating sausage with Wikipedia opened to the page “Sausage.”


[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?


Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.