@Browtweaten

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

@suecorvette

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

@UnFitz

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

@AndLookPretty

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

@whatmaddness

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

@TragicAllyHere

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

@pilau

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

@OmarNajam

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

@redsunO21

muppets have front facing eyes and are therefore predators

@pilau

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue: