It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.


It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!


Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.


The best way to have self-control with queso dip in the house is to forget to hide it from your family and let them get to it first


There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.


Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.


I can tell if someone’s hot by looking at them


[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying