@jellybnbonanza
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
@asaltiercorpse
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
@sixfootcandy
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
@DudeMass
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
@CarbonatedCB
The best way to have self-control with queso dip in the house is to forget to hide it from your family and let them get to it first
@mommajessiec
There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.
@JustMeTurtle
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
@samelpan
I can tell if someone’s hot by looking at them
@DothTheDoth
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
@ShortSleeveSuit
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying