@Henry_3000

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

@dad_chips

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

@StewieTea2

Which idiot called it a vasectomy?

Rather than ‘I kid you not’

@mommajessiec

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

@RodLacroix

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

@Lhlodder

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

@TweetsByKaylee

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

@cristela9

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.