barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator


me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell


Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.


I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)


“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”


The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”


life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious


Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”


muppets have front facing eyes and are therefore predators


friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look