If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
The best way to have self-control with queso dip in the house is to forget to hide it from your family and let them get to it first
There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.
My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I can tell if someone’s hot by looking at them
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
[first day working as a librarian]
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying