I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.