You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
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I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!