@XoMiSsYoX

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

@STACEYNIGHTMARE

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

@bouncerface

Are you serious? It’s hard to tell because of all the botox.

@daplusk

Hangovers: Where the spirits you drink the night before haunt you the next day.

@Elifcello

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

@bobbiejo448

Marijuana does have an adverse effect on my spelling skills. It’s to the point that Google even knows when I’m high.

@_Prozach74

Ignorance is only bliss until you wish you knew the answer

@fart

no dude, if i wash my hands BEFORE going to the bathroom then they won’t get my genitals dirty and i won’t have to wash my hands after. duh

@EasilyTempted

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

@Lisa_Laughs_

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.