During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.


My ceiling fan has 3 settings: 1. Very slow 2. Slow 3. I’m about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident


It’s only been a few days, but I’m starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.


People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.


Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.


Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.


I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?


You know those orange cones they put on the road for you to knock over? Totally just beat my previous high score.


She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.


The light above my desk is going out. I feel like I’ve been at a really boring rave for the last 7 hours.