@Storminika

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

@TheFunnySayings

My ceiling fan has 3 settings: 1. Very slow 2. Slow 3. I’m about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident

@bazecraze

It’s only been a few days, but I’m starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.

@juliussharpe

People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.

@HeidiCF8

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.

@Schmoodles

Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.

@Loli_Sug

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

@Traceylei2

You know those orange cones they put on the road for you to knock over? Totally just beat my previous high score.

@pizzajaynow

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

@courtneyno

The light above my desk is going out. I feel like I’ve been at a really boring rave for the last 7 hours.