911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
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I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr