The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band


Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.


Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”


It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.


Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.


Hubs: There’s nothing on TV *winks*
Me: Remember last time?

*both look at 2yo*

Hubs: There’s over 900 channels, we’ll find something


Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*


Me: Its all there.


Man, Lord of the Rings has all kinds of people! White men, white elves, white dwarves, white trees, Gandalf the white, all the kinds!


At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that’s not my wifes phone number at all.

She’s zero fun today


When 13 witches collectively fart in a cauldron and quickly cover it with a lid…

*lowers shades*

…Dutch Coven.