@MountainDouche

I have a question for you guys. After the door bell rings, how long do I have to wait to turn the TV volume back up and make any movement?

@NoogsCorner

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

@mjm866

You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog

@osigat

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

@notthattom

older woman => young dude: cougarnolder man => young women: manthernolder man => younger men: faguarnolder woman => younger women: sheetah

@PimpleEye

You’re so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.

@MattElGato

The first rule of fight club is don’t hit hard I’m very sensitive

@thtchicmichelle

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

@msmessymist

Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!