@TEXASVETERAN

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

@SladeBlue

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

@Parentpains

My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.

@shadonium

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

@BarebakAssassin

Most problems can be solved by pouring a concrete slab over the person causing the problems.

@SashaBrenner

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

@trims_the_fat

I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy.

“Making breakfast. ;)”
“Walking the dog. ;)”
“Broke in to your house ;)”

@Tuna_Lover

I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.

@MicheleAKALips

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

@Tuna_Lover

I’m never at a loss for words when I’m drunk. I just can’t pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new one’s.