I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!
Me: thanks God!
Most problems can be solved by pouring a concrete slab over the person causing the problems.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy.
“Making breakfast. ;)”
“Walking the dog. ;)”
“Broke in to your house ;)”
I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I’m never at a loss for words when I’m drunk. I just can’t pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new one’s.