The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
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You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
They must have gotten it to go.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
🔦🌙👣
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!