I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
3 rules for having good teeth: brush and floss twice a day, see your dentist twice a year, and keep your nose out of other peoples business.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
My son: do kids that get bullied go to college?
Me: no they go to the police academy