@WetzelGeek

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

@imence2

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

@lilgapeach30

3 rules for having good teeth: brush and floss twice a day, see your dentist twice a year, and keep your nose out of other peoples business.

@SwanieChicken

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

@WilliamAder

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

@NintenDom

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

@iAmJuddy

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

@WilliamAder

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

@VerifiedJayy

My son: do kids that get bullied go to college?

Me: no they go to the police academy