@VerifiedDrunk

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

@_eric_alexander

I predict that in the year 2050 the only people who will have tramp stamps will be grandmas. Thus they will be referred to as granny stamps.

@OfNorthAmerica

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

@Schmoodles

Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.

@FaisalAdam_

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

@erica_rosie

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

@chopper4jk

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

@KimJungilSpirit

4yo doctor visit:

Doc: no more than 30 mins for 4yo on the iPad. I’d rather he play with mud.

Me: ..
Wife:..

Me: where do u download mud?

@MaiPareshaan

This one time I swallowed a gum and my mom told me that “it stays in your system forever,” so I swallowed a table to stick it under it.