I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
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I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
The glockness monster
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?