Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
You Might Also Like
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
spot the difference
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Meowchelangelo
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.