I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?