Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
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Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me