Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
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Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices