@Annoyedworld

I suck my stomach in when ever I weigh myself!nnIt doesn’t make me weigh less but at least I can see the numbers!

@trevso_electric

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

@RadOrDie

Give the chick a break. Kristen Stewart TOTALLY looks sorry. Or happy. Or sad. Or constipated.

@JustFingKatie

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”nnGood job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

@genehunter1

Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.

@SamGirlSunday

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

@ImKevinito

I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.

@brakco

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

@thatfinguy

Pretty woman wouldn’t have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior.