Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
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[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.