Until a pregnancy test commercial involves a chick hysterically crying & screaming MY LIFE IS OVER, it’s not real life.


Instagram is down! I’m freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???


I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.


I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.


Rules for being a good neighbor:
2. Don’t forget rule number one.


Just made jerk off motions at a group of construction guys. They just stood there staring at each other like “now what?”…all talk eh boys?


I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’


My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.


My work has this cute thing they do where if you’re really good at your job, they get you to do everyone elses too.


Wait, Fellatio isn’t a flavor of ice cream?!