@FknVancouver

If the cure for AIDS could get you high, we’d figure it out in about a week.

@No_Job_Joe

My boss just fired me because I spent the past 45 minutes taking a crap. I don’t see why he can’t just clean it off his desk, and move on.

@Sam19eighty

Mom: I’m worried you might end up alone. nMe: Don’t worry mom, do you know how many followers i have???nMom: … ( Worried face)

@The_Sculptress

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

@Boleyngirly

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

@over_rated

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

@tweetarded1

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons. nnWTF. I was looking right at her.

@ceejoyner

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.