@Chel__CLE

Until a pregnancy test commercial involves a chick hysterically crying & screaming MY LIFE IS OVER, it’s not real life.

@theyearofelan

Instagram is down! I’m freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???

@thagr8short1

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

@ilovepie84

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

@torrami

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

@bouncingblonde

Just made jerk off motions at a group of construction guys. They just stood there staring at each other like “now what?”…all talk eh boys?

@thagr8short1

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

@SuperShourds

My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.

@HallpassCanada

My work has this cute thing they do where if you’re really good at your job, they get you to do everyone elses too.

@orny_xo

Wait, Fellatio isn’t a flavor of ice cream?!