Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
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[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
*mops up wine with cat*
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that