@Nocturnoc**to

If you steal my tweets I’ll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.

@crayan9

Why do people say clean as a whistle? Whistles aren’t clean, they’re full of spit

@ilovepie84

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

@DirtyMelodies

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

@TravLeBlanc

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

@Shock_Monster

It’s been clinically proven that the most effective form of birth control I can use is: “Just be myself.”

@Carbosly

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

@michaelianblack

Science question: can somebody please explain how tiny, tiny swimsuits make Olympians dive better?

@KenJennings

Landlocked countries with beach volleyball teams: who do you think you’re fooling?

@NikiWithIssues

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.