I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
You Might Also Like
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁