*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
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@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
My life coach traded me.