MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
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I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…