@nerdsrockk

When a guy flirts with me I start blushing uncontrollably and I hide. Then I wait for them outside their house wearing a wedding dress.

@MyHairyLife

Male seahorses get pregnant.

In related news, scientists believe men who tell women what to with their bodies come back as seahorses.

@DrawingShadows

Answer: Marijuana

Question: Why am I sitting here on the couch eating ice cream with a fork, watching Telemundo and wearing one sock?

@AristotlesNZ

Cop: You know your license’s expired?
Me: Didnt even know it was sick.
Cop: Haha!
Me: HAHA!
Cop: Hehe..
Me: Eheh..
Cop: Step out of the car.

@IamEnidColeslaw

a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds

@Bunnydurden

Try saying “good luck” without sounding sarcastic. Good luck.

@clindsaysway

Fun trick to play on your partner: “Don’t you remember what day this is?”

@BradBroaddus

I just got booed off stage by a bunch of jerks that didn’t appreciate my humor.

That’s the last time I’ll do a eulogy.

@kelkulus

The difference between men and women is that for men, “stabby” is not an emotion.