How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
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If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
The best shot in the history of golf
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I am yelling
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.