@UrbanDouchebag

Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.

@JoeP187

So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?

@moiragallaga

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

@FakeWhimsy

No recovering from getting your arm stuck in a Pringles can on a first date.

@birbigs

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

@juliussharpe

How about instead of shaking hands we nod at each other and that way we both won’t have to wash our hands?

@BenOni_Kenobi

If you’re hot I’m going to follow you. nnnnJust like I do on twitter.

@JermHimselfish

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

@lejessica

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

@VinnieLovelace

Saw a guy with a barcode tattoo on his neck. Scanned it with my RedLaser app & he couldn’t believe I found him cheaper on 3 online stores