Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
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Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
excuse me
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
You better watch out
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁